right before i die i want to be shot into the moon's surface (this can be at any time)

i bet it would feel good to pull off a train robbery

This is specified in my power of attorney protocols

if anyone ever recognizes me from here in the outside world I will hand them a shiv carved from my femur and let them slit my throat

I don't know what a philharmonic is and at this point I'm afraid to ask

As a Trad Wife, she is a wife of many Traditions, one of which is soon to become stabbing you in the head.

I have won the game of jesters and kings and am a functioning member of society. I am proud of my performance, especially some of the emoticons

I am looking for a serious relationship. Servere. Sober. Austere. Preferably with a man in mourning.

If you always open a bag of chips upside down it's because a very naughty potato has cursed your entire snackline. But I'm seriously, do not be too disappotatoed in yourself

but like what are we even doing

if you don't feel funny, go watch a bug for a little while and think about how you act

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and other aesthetic-related freak eye injuries.

The amount of water in baby carrot bags feels performative

I never wanted to post this path. I started out as a walking stick account, but then I poked my first stupidest shit I could think of and the stick treeactivated

There are some ways around not wanting to know something, but like anything with a catch there's a knowing something you didn't even know you didn't want to know so...I tricked you into eating flashcards

I have been thinking of going back to school to facilitate a career change. If I can go back to driving school and learn to parallel park, I am sure that job path ends in great success

California king is a mattress that’s sober aside from smoking weed

REMEMBER: If you're not alone in your dating app profile pic, be sure to state whether or not you're the fish

turkeys and turtles should team up.
Now is the dawn of Turtur squad

Hot take:

If you are at a social event and they have hot hors d'oeuvres, take them.

[me loudly as i go thru the fence gate i rebuilt last summer] dang that’s a sturdy gate

the only thing cooler than a person wearing a jean jacket is a jean jacket wearing a jean jacket

why don’t cartons of detergent have pictures of missing socks on them

“Remember your training” I admonish myself as I try something I never trained for.

[car accident]

Stand back, everyone. I’m no doctor but I have a box of Band-Aids®️ containing every size they make.

Who would win?
- Shiva, the destroyer
- Tyler, the creator

The EU: We're requiring all cell phones to have user-replaceable batteries.

The US: We're allowing cell phone company employees to post your nudes on the Can't Handle These Love Handles subreddit.

normalize dropping to your knees and sobbing when people won’t stop talking

yeah i like THC

T hat first
H it of la
C roix