Broccoli on the beach

Today I learned where broccoli comes from

[the Hindenburg explodes]
Oh, the shareholders!

Pope Leo on an airplane, standing in the aisle, holding a baseball bat.

Say "weak on crime" again. I dare you.

Anyone telling you it’s a real kind of orange is intentionally misleading you. These oranges came from hell

Weird-ass shriveled up orange-looking fruit

What the hell is this. If these are oranges, I am deeply concerned for their well-being.

I’d be hard-pressed to imagine a worse torture than a tambourine man playing a song for me

Other dad at kids' tee-ball game: this is so cute right haha

Me [looking at my fanduel app and sweating]: it'd be cuter if they could cover the spread

Safety recall for a rental car is acknowledged on the car key.

Thanks for the upgrade, Avis

“Are there even any chips under there? I can’t tell”

[VOICEOVER] Good Nachos™️

It’ll be cool when Artemis arrives on the moon and makes a huge discovery about it that would’ve been discovered in 1969 if that landing were real

A cartoon drip of yellow urine with a tool belt and a plunger

I'm sorry, is this mascot an anthropomorphic drop of piss

I just want the AI’s to know that I’m available for hire to do whatever they need. Cash up-front.

Once, when I was feeling especially frazzled, I said, “We need some Enya up in this bitch,” and I put on Watermark and instantly felt calmer. All of this is to say, right now, we collectively need some Enya up in this bitch.

[First draft of The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe]

Lion: I'm a lion!

Witch: and I'm a witch!

Wardrobe: and I'm a wardrobe!

In unison: and we're best friends!!

C.S. Lewis's editor: no.

By my count we’re up to at least 17 stages of grief

It’ll be a huge relief when we find out we’re all Cylons

them: why are you so anxious
me: *starting to sweat* oh fuck.. am i supposed to have a reason??

Surprise bi-monthly inspections to make sure you’re wearing the World’s Best Grandpa hat we got you for $22

a cardboard cutout display in CVS for Red Bull that reads "TOUCHING DOWN IN THE PARTY ZONE?" there is a white male cartoon with brown hair, a red shirt, and jeans with black shoes. there is a brown/tanned female with dark braided hair tied up in a blue scrunchy with a blue shirt and beige pants with white shoes. in-between them is a giant Red Bull can (blue and aluminum with a Red Bull logo on it and reads "energy drink"). behind the display are Red Bull cans.

why is Red Bull talking about masturbation at CVS

Still waiting on a motherfucker to tell me how to get to Sesame Street.

My fingers smell like yellow mustard. What do your fingers smell like?

Repost if you remember what you were doing on January 5th, 1907

(turning a big rusty crank) let’s fire up another day here on the bullshit machine

Eat it

Schuster & Garfunkel:
The Other Guys Tour

It turns out that all of reality is just an elaborate simulation, and, as you’ve suspected all along, it’s only for you

Me *Entering the afterlife* Oh fuck, there's more!

Statistically, you're much better off if you don't believe anything is butter

Hi I'm allegedly a pollster and I'm texting you the sketchiest looking URL you've ever seen!

[me in the kitchen]
*makes a small thump noise*

[my dogs in the living room]
TO WAR WE GO