When you’re shopping for anniversary gifts on a budget.

Just like these fake flowers, my love too will never die.

RIP The Platters, you would have loved charcuterie boards.

FRIEND: *eating* soda crackers aren’t too bad.

ME: well, some of us are ok I guess.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

Gonna try a new pun on for sighs.

“Sorry, I have to take this call."

"That's a banana. And it's half eaten."

*covers banana with hand

"I don't tell you how to do business."

You’ll never convince me this piece of popcorn is a colonel.

nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel

Kinda bullshit that only Phils get their own harmonic orchestras.

This kinda sucks because I was well prepared to kick ass in a post apocalyptic hellscape in my 20s and now that I'm in my 50s I'm only suited to be a maniac warlord or reclusive enigmatic hermit who'll only help the resistance if they can convince me their motives are pure

i pause in the middle of the street fight, only to eat a handful of candy corn and then return to fighting, noticeably more powerful

[burglar breaks into my home]

ME *recently started taking karate*: Hey asshole! Hold this board.

People all over the world fighting for land and bananas somehow have their own republic.

Stopped ingesting microplastics, this year I’m only eating macroplastics.

Thank you 🙏

Once again a chick magnet has thrown off my chick compass.

In heaven, all pubs have a post to lean on beside every urinal.

If you solve these riddles three, you may try one piece of brie.

When a baby is about to be born, someone always has to boil water. It's for the baby's first hot dogs.

“Whoever stole the purple marker, please return it!” written in green on a whiteboard. “No!” is written in purple below it.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

If there are no Caucasian animals then explain Animal Crackers.

Mogwai

Fuck it I don’t care anymore

New Year’s resolutions:

1) Eat healthier

2) Spend more time outdoors

3) Escape from the research facility

child custody rap battle

Whatever, I’ve had fancier feasts.

Your honour, I was driving a trailblazer, I was simply blazing a new trail.

JUDGE: you drove through a petting zoo.

You should be able to rev your shopping cart at people in the grocery store

“eating well” lol have you heard of vitamins

Sign on shelf reads “The Bread Guy come’s when he has bread.”

as the prophecy foretold