I pass dog food and treats in a dollar store and say, “Hell no, not for my baby.”

Then I turn the corner and buy myself salisbury steak microwave dinners.

The warm summer’s breeze blew gently across my leg.

Then I realized this was just air escaping my lover’s ass.

I am sardonic fairy dust.

Yeah, so I set up this premium number that charges you $3.99 a minute. Then I posted a shit ton of flyers around town that said PLEASE CALL THIS NUMBER TO REPORT ILLEGAL ALIENS.

But the number immediately puts you on hold and starts elevator music.

This was three days ago.

I have made 17k.

I crashed into the back of a guy on a motorcycle today.

Zero chance it would have happened if I wasn't distracted reading a bumper sticker one lane over that said 'watch out for motorcycles'.

You make an account here to talk about literary magazines. Mention nothing about your work.

Three days later, an institution dedicated to studying ancient mystery religions, secret knowledge, and how civilizations transmit power across generations decide you're worth following...

Imma infiltrate.

My neurologist told me I have ADHD.

I laughed at her, told her that is some real shit.

I am just lazy.

There is no positive reason left for ATMs to exist.

I got this new thing where I stop and size up anyone using one.

I say something like, "I'm gonna go with.... Heroin?"

Sometimes they ask, "What?"

I am already walking off, but I look back and say, "You know what the fuck I'm talking about."

Loved this

This fucking slaps.