Big announcement — my platform for the presidency will be devoted exclusively to the issues animals care about. People are too confusing.

“The frenemy of my frenemy is my LinkedIn contact.”

🤣

That drug that “visibly improves the colon lining” sounds amazing— my colon will be VISIBLE?

Pic of deer

Does anyone know what kind of horse this is?

It’s as if the spring plants have nothing to do all day but grow.

My third grader gazed out the airplane window and said, “You know, Mommy, some people are liars. But some are true-ers. You just don’t know.”

Billboard of Attorney That Rocks

Baltimore friends, I hate to say it but Austin’s Barry Glazer might be better than our Barry Glazer.

I didn’t expect the fascinations in Austin to include driverless cars — do they help keep Austin weird??

I’ve been swimming laps on weekend mornings for years, and I’ve unlocked the secret to discipline — you have to be able to count on seeing cute babies.

If we lived in a 1970’s soap, Donald Trump would be another man’s evil twin.

Apparently, they’re saying that to catch my spring break flight, I need to get to the airport two weeks early.

I’m getting ominous emails from LOFT saying, “IT ALL ENDS TONIGHT!!!” 👀

I just wish I had time to pour a glass of wine, curl up on the couch, and read my entire CVS receipt.

Welp, another Ides of March and somehow Orange Julius Caesar is still here. Sigh.

I love how old timey sports teams were named like Richard Scary captions — The White Sox, The Irish, The Cornhuskers, The Mud Hens

That thing where you forget to lock your phone, and it decides to show you a recipe for Cheesy Lasagna Beans.

Guess whose car clock is accurate again, you mofo’s.

Daylight Savings and Loan will not be taking questions today about its Moody’s rating.

Where the gold medals for Tara Lipinksi and Johnny Weir?? 👏👏 🥇

😂 Thanks, Michael!

What I hear when I watch the half pipe: “That’s an absolutely HUUUGGE double twisty pickle back with the yum-yum 5200 and — what? you kidding me?? — with a backside hot sack Sahara sleight of hand grab?!” I love it so much🥇💕😻

Pro tip for polishing off a 90-piece box of chocolates in a few days — return to the box every few hours because you’re basically a different person then who hasn’t had any chocolate yet.

a man in a suit and tie is sitting in a chair with his hands in the air Alt: a man in a suit and tie is sitting in a chair with his hands in the air

Happy Ford Truck Month I guess to those who celebrate.

The reason my dog and I seek couples counseling is that our values fundamentally differ about how much wild animal poop is okay to eat.

Pretty sure I’ll never “burst onto the scene.”

Procedural question — If AWP takes place in my home city, do I get to refer to all the stuff I do at my house as “off site events?”

Tiny garage far away in snowy backyard.

Me for two weeks: “I’ll do that as soon as I can shovel my car out!”

My car:

a dog is laying on its back on a couch with viralhog written on the bottom right corner Alt: a dog is laying on its back on a couch with viralhog written on the bottom right corner

Whenever my husband comes home, there’s a parade, with children screaming and dogs zooming. But when I come home, it’s like:

The anesthesia team came into the pre-op area, like “Hi, here’s a small sedative to relax before we wheel you back. It’s like a glass of wine.” Next thing I know, I’m in recovery and my question is can I have this for the rest of the Trump administration?