my therapist said this to me and it hit me like a brick "you can't go around hitting people with bricks"

You and me both!

It fell out of my pocket on the metro 😭

Nothing like losing $250 in cash 🙃🙃🙃🙃

If I had a time machine, I'd go back in time and convince Trump's mother to get an abortion. Let her know he is not worth pushing through the birth canal

White people want to say the N word more than they want to say the word "racism" lol

There's something so lovely about Japanese curry and rice

Having a Republican partner in this day and age is a form of self-hatred, I'm convinced

We don't call people "wack lugnuts" often enough

The worm in RFK Jr's head:

I am marrying the first individual who brings me a giant waffle in the morning, unprompted

Finding out Trump's sassiness/ pettiness comes from the fact that he was directly influenced by a constantly scheming, basically evil, twink lawyer with a thirst for power make things make sooooooooo much more sense now.

Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence

Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence
theonion.com/wealthy...

As a woman, be a menace first. Ask questions later or never.

You can lead a man to knowledge, but you cannot make him think 💀

made myself a sandwich and it was MID, I'm so fucking devastated right now, man

I lost so much weight, I went from a C cup, to a B cup. How do I gain my boobs back

Trans people have always, and will always, be people I admire, respect, and am happy to befriend and associate with.

Trans people are not your enemies.

Don’t buy stuff on February 28. Money’s the only thing these dicks understand.
#resist

Hello, I just took on a new unavoidable expense, so if any of y'all have rich uncles that like to pay pretty women to talk to them, hmu

Thank youuuuu

Y'ALL I NEED GOOD VIBES FOR THE NEXT FEW HOURS, OKAY?? OKAY.

The US Government Is Not a Startup Elon Musk is moving fast and breaking things that can’t afford to be broken.

The thing about running the federal government like a software startup is that most software startups fail www.wired.com/story/the-us...

Hey, can things make sense for just a second? Just wondering, no worries if not!!!!

We sold out, and last night was great!

The Comedy Loft of DC | Yes Queen

Link to tickets: www.dccomedyloft.com/events/106361

If you're in D.C and would like to laugh instead of being in tears like we've all been these past two weeks, get your tickets to the Yes Queen show!

The CIA and FBI are evil organizations responsible for incomprehensible misery domestically and abroad and if they can’t deploy some of that evil to save their own skins one wonders what the point of it all was

"I'm just lazy" well stop it.

Having the flu really fucking humbles you, because it feels like you're not in charge of your body. You just have to take a bunch of meds and bedrot 😭