I don't have anything funny tonight. I'm just overwhelmed and heartbroken with this shitty, shitty world.

As a witness of your complete lack of driving skills, I'm really starting to doubt you actually have a baby jedi on board.

[me flirting with an older man] hows ur hose water

preemptively banning accounts just in case they get any crazy notions to actually post

What say you rub my magic lamp until the genie comes out?

Me flirting with her at this Arabian Nights themed party

I don’t understand the “Bari Weiss is not a journalist and therefore shouldn’t head up CBS News” argument. The whole point is that she’s not a journalist, she’s intellectual cover for the illiberal right. Nothing more or less.

Sorry for the lack of content. I had a relaxing weekend, and without the pain of my trauma, the jokes don’t show up.

𝘗𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘵 𝘐𝘵 𝘉𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬 is my favorite song about goth decorating tips.

I love you, heating pad.

Finishing off the conversation with a hand gesture just to make a point.

A posting style best described as "relentless"

Currently listening to Blondie.

So say I'm not prepared for the Rapture.

i met a girl named joyce and immediately thought, that's how a snake would say joy

ME: sorry, I’m ticklish

NAIL TECH WITH A BLOODY RAG TO HER NOSE:

Wanting attention but not wanting to bother anyone... that's normal right? No? Just me?

The cat is talking a lot this morning. I think she's worried that I didn't get that extended warranty

This rapture is as disappointing as my sex life.

Being an airline pilot is like being both a cool bus driver and a lame astronaut.

"I'm good"

You're Good? Really?
We're all struggling, doing the best we can against the weight of crushing challenges.
We're definitely not good.

No one wants to hear that, but we know that it's implied.

a younger version of me saw me packing grapes instead of chocolate for a work snack and punched me in the tit

If birth control was made of chocolate, there'd be no unplanned pregnancies.

Autumn the only day the planet isn't leaning. It's standing up straight to show off its new fall foliage, right before it slouches back into six months of seasonal affective disorder.

I didn't lose my mind, it's free derange.

let’s start calling sweatpants, pajama pants, and any other non-constricting soft pants “boneless pants”

just heard someone call stephen miller peewee german

Figures we’d have a rapture on Taco Tuesday