I have two jokes swirling in my head that I absolutely cannot post. :(

The problem with fooling around with a woman with no kids is that there's no juice boxes. But hey, I did get a mini Sprite!

It's not my daily driver (I go with Acqua Di Gio for that but am open to suggestion) but it almost always illicit a comment or two when I do wear it. Pricey, but worth it to me.

Ayooooo!

How are ya, buddy?

Sauvage, fellas. 60% of the time, it works every time. (Seriously, it smells really good)

Good morning, y'all.

This guy gets it.

a close up of spongebob 's face with holes in it and blue eyes ALT: a close up of spongebob 's face with holes in it and blue eyes

Update

I am in fucking TROUBLE, y'all. Why worse than the last time. We've connected.

What the shit

I guess if babies were born with teeth there is a chance those mean fuckers would eat themselves right out of there, huh?

This is my third rodeo, hence me asking for prayers. I know full well what I'm getting myself into.

Going to see the redhead tonight. #PrayForJer

Donald, after being told Air Force personnel were missing in Iran, had a freakout that got him excluded from an important briefing. He was't worried about the missing pilots. No, he only cared that a failed operation would hurt HIS POLL NUMBERS, as it had Jimmy Carter's. What a self-absorbed prick.

Hell yeah

Good morning, y'all.

Happy 4/20 to all that celebrate.

Oh, they clowning on this thing hard over there…

Sober weekend wore me out, time for bed y'all. Please be kind to each other, and more importantly, yourselves.

I am going the diet coke and Marlboro route myself, godspeed.

Why is it that my dog is like an F350? It's like he has a main and reserve tank. He pees a ton when we first go out, but still has reserves to piss another three times when he smells something interesting.

Now THAT I can go for!

I tried this line at the bar once, didn't work.

Sean Duffy goes full Baghdad Bob: "A lot of carriers are eating the cost increase of jet fuel right now ... in the long run, it becomes cheaper for Americans to travel"

Nah, if he goes to prison there will be literal riots and attempts to break him out. Hell, even when he dies, they'll claim it's false news or that he was assassinated.

two images of the human body's circulatory system. One of them with good cable management

The human circulatory system, before and after proper cable management.

😂😂😂

i once threw up at a smashing pumpkins concert and billy corgan has yet to ask me if i’m feeling any better.