Sadzmaxxing

My porn parody would be called Hairy Puddle and the Post-Bone Clarity

Autocorrect just changed "ho train" to "hot rain" and now Friday is ruined 😩

Ugh please stop saying things are maxxing. I'm maxxed to the maxx with the maxxing.

*Darth Vader running his helmet thru the dishwasher*

*Pronounces leotard like Leonard

We all want safer streets. That's why I am actively keeping your mom off of them.

I hope you win today. You probably won’t but I hope you do.

Thanks, bruv. I'll keep you posted. Don't hold your breath though.

My cat just found out that he's a personality hire 😬

Just thinking about how, if mystical creatures from lore existed as of this moment, our planet's oligarchs would find a way to monetize them and/or use them to kill us.

If I had an app to do that I wouldn't need a wife!

Glen is short for Glendolyn

I'm sexually active in that I get the zoomies afterwards.

93% of my emails are one-time login codes.

Placing a piece of shaved Parmesan cheese on my tongue and ascending to a state of euphoria for the next 7-10 hours.

I hope nobody wins today. The teams lose, everyone who bets on the game loses, everyone who bought a commercial makes no money. And I can honestly say this because I just stubbed my middle toe on a leg of the bed.

I've been holding Space for Emmanuel since 1994.

If only the Constitution had allowed citizens to arm themselves in order to unite and defend all citizens against a tyrannical government.

The worst thing about moving is having to start your bone piles again from scratch

the only "2fa" i wanna deal with is 2 fuckin' 'amburgers

It’s as if the FIFA Peace Prize means nothing.

Does anyone here speak dog? I need a few translations.

"Quit staring at me, you just ate."

"You can't eat that, you'll die."

"No one is there, stop barking."

Toyotathon started as a pagan holiday

I’m white but not "puts reindeer antlers on my car" white

Not only did The Terminator prophesize AI's destruction of the future, it also prophesized that in 2029 there would be a guy named Kyle.

Why does folks have cameras IN their house? When did that start?

I love a good funny home video as much as the next person, but why are people putting themselves under surveillance?

this meeting could’ve been a dance battle

*parking my horse out front of the saloon to grab my takeout order*

House of 1000 Grinches