Capsicum

Yes! Sumos are so fucking good and easy to peel! The ultimate citrus, possibly.

Right? Who doesn’t get up for a piss and a doom-scroll? What kind of monsters?

Feelings, like glands, need to be expressed every now and again, or someday you will find yourself in a crowded carpeted room, dragging your sad across the floor just to experience some kind of relief.

People everywhere are like "He's bluffing!"

Motherfuckers we shouldn't have to assume and hope a PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES is bluffing about nuclear Armageddon. This shit should not even be on the table. What the fuck is wrong with you?

John Hinckley is free now, ya know. Couldn’t Jodie Foster give a little encouragement, ya know what I mean?

Welcome to the future

We don't have flying cars or clean energy but we do have a useless app for every fuckin thing in your home and landfills full of iPhone 4s

Thank you, internet stranger. I’m guessing they’ll bond over what a shit husband I was (not that bad, honestly, but men are a bit shit all around) and, as they’re both bisexual, they’ll get drunk and end up fucking, and tell me about it the next day. I might be paranoid, though.

The last time they got together, seven years ago, was quite the shitshow. At that time I was still married to #2, and she went full Valkyrie on me, almost left me at the bar we were celebrating another friend’s birthday at. Insecurity is very unflattering, who knows what the hell will happen next?

I don’t think I have an “A game.”

So I just learned that both of my ex wives will be at a friend’s birthday party next weekend, and I’m totally not throwing up from anxiety about that, at all.

You’re entirely right, but the Maytag Man is coming for you now. God have mercy on your soul.

Motherfucker hasn’t read anything but a McDonald’s menu in about 45 years, but do go on, Ms Leavitt.

Booze. Duh.

LUCKY.

I was a huge astronomy/ space exploration nerd, and it devastated me. I was so excited because a civilian teacher was on the mission (RIP Christa MacAuliff), and unacceptable incompetence killed seven astronauts.

I was in fifth grade. The boys and girls at that point had separated into PE for the boys, sex ed for the girls. So we fellas were piling back into the classroom all sweaty after, and all the girls were in utter shock. They had spent a part of sex ed watching the shuttle explode. I was gutted.

No. I have alpha gal syndrome. Gluten is the hill I die on. But if you pull some of that turkey off of that shitty bread, I’m in.

The art of shitting the entire world's bed

That’s what I was saying. The only good cop is the one that’s pushing up the daisies.

Look, all I’m saying is that while I enjoy and appreciate The Onion, I don’t want to live inside of it.

Same thing that’s wrong with every pig. They’ve been told that they have impunity to deal with us however they want.

Capital’s hired thugs.

Andy Weir novels literally give me anxiety attacks. They’re like reading TED Talks, in the worst way you might imagine . He needs to stay TF away from Star Trek.

Glad that I’ve already gone cashless, so I don’t have to have that cunt’s name anywhere on my person.

Neither do I, it’s fine.

In my best Noo Yawk-ese: “You muthafucka, you think you can jus’ shit- tawk the Noo Yawk muthafuckin’ Yankees? Who da fuck do you think you is? (I am a New Yorker, don’t @ me people.)

whatever it is i don’t think i have it in me anymore

I wanna punch Pete Kegsbreath in the temple until he shits himself. Is that controversial?

I’m wicked good with cats and apocalypses, just fyi.