if you love it so much why don’t you marry juana

it helps if you imagine library scientists carefully conducting experiments using the dewey decimal system

caught the bouquet once worst day of my life

always the bridesmaid who mysteriously disappeared after being locked inside a hope chest and now haunts the church grounds still waiting to catch the bouquet, never the bride

[guy who always makes the conversation about his vinyl collection] you mean the b-side of the moon

Being unemployed still rules... only thing on my to do list today is steal a packet of ranch dressing from wawa

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk

STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels

ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

mf said pick my up

hey babe can you come pick my up from the zoo i guess arctic monkeys aren’t even real

The Butt-Head in me recognizes the Beavis in you

willy wonka is actually the nickname they gave him after his first gym class

(snuggling with my cat when she gets a look in her eye) are you about to bite me

cat: prrhaps

wait what. *who* are we sacrificing?

(puts a band-aid on your post) I hope it gets better soon

posting. from bed

NO i am busy working out rn

ok i should manage that by next week if i skip sleeping

damn that frosting’s a good few thousand more posts i’ll have to write …

ty greg i hope you’re not expecting me to share

i've done my high intensity workout (19.9K posts) now give me my donut

have any of you seen my phone

what if we kissed in the ambient glow of the heat lamps warming the costco rotisserie chickens

my musician stoner friends are so highflutin

All this progress and still no beans that don't give us gas

I never wanted to post this path. I started out as a walking stick account, but then I poked my first stupidest shit I could think of and the stick treeactivated

cat: *sees hardwood floor* that's a bed
cat: *sees laundry rack* that's a bed
cat: *sees stairs* that's a bed
cat: *sees my head* that's a bed
cat: *sees a cat bed* what the FUCK is that??

Cop: you have an outstanding warrant

Me: why thank you

[car accident]

Stand back, everyone. I’m no doctor but I have a box of Band-Aids®️ containing every size they make.

Band-Aid would be a great name for a benefits concert to help struggling musicians

had a momentary lapse of madness one out of five stars do not recommend