dumbass finger slipped got me typing "jimy" like a dipshit

it's cool that the one thing both of them agree on is that transgender people should be denied healthcare. both those ghouls can go to hell

Walked into a new coffee shop and noticed they sold wellness products and "collagen lattes." My immediate reaction was, "I'm about to get fleeced so hard right now."

At the time I thought it would be meaningful to take a sip each year either on his birthday or the day of his passing. I never once remembered to do that lmao.

One of the few things I took from my dad's apartment after he passed was a 1/3 bottle of Irish whiskey that I forgot existed until now. Except I now see someone drank it all and left the empty bottle behind. That's a gut punch I wasn't expecting.

Sitting at the table watching everyone else in your party play the games

Oh Jesus I'm sorry to hear. Hopefully it wasn't too too bad 🙏

"hear me out" sorry, no. I will not. My heart is closed to whatever sinful lust you are peddling. The only thing I am "hearing out" is the choir at mass today. my only "would" I know of is the wood of the cross christ was crucified upon

If we get hit by a tornado as forecasted then I don't have to go to work, so is it really that bad?

They're talking mad shit about you on Wikifeet

"I'm like Reverse Popeye. Where his body turns spinach into muscle, mine turns it into kidney stones."
—Coworker

I have somehow never heard of this beverage and am now making it my sole mission in life to acquire it

r/relationships:

I [26m] just caught my girlfriend [20f] lying to the IRS saying she’s ‘single’ on her tax form. Should I be concerned?

Top Comment:
u/FoghornLeghorn365
Boy shut the, I say, shut the fuck up

"Ever since I was a young they, I knew I wanted to get into the band t-shirt industry." —Nat from @breakuptour.bsky.social, paraphrased

MELANIA: You want me. Out of nowheres. To remind every one. Of my best friend, and child sex monster. Jeffrey Epstein?? (squints evilly)

NATHAN FIELDER: (voice over) The First Lady loved my idea.

Made a potentially Very Stupid Purchase for a Switch 2 before they inevitably jack up the prices and am currently in disbelief while witnessing Pokemon Violet run at more than 15 fps

when you're not a morning person but you get a morning person job, everyone tells you you'll get used to waking up early but i'm here to tell you that's a fat fucking lie

Everyone who drives faster than me is a jackass. Additionally, everyone who drives slower than me is a jackass. I am the main character of the road.

I worry I come off like an incel anytime I complain about this sort of shit, sorry.

I wish it was less socially unacceptable for masc-presenting people to cuddle with friends because, much to everyone's surprise, 12 years of touch starvation is quite unsatisfactory.

The hack writers for the Bible really cheapened Christ's death by bringing him back two episodes later

eating pussy with chopsticks

that's ok. rabies is one of those mild diseases you get once and then get immune from for life right

The Supreme Court did not strike down conversion therapy bans today.

Not nationwide. Not in Colorado. Not anywhere.

Here's what actually happened in Chiles v. Salazar—and why the coverage you're seeing serves the conservative legal movement more than it serves you.

Already annoyed that American Airlines put me on a bus instead of a puddle jumper, I audibly groan when the driver walks on and its fucking Ms Frizzle again and I start texting clients, "may be late. About to get stuck in Carlos's aorta."

Gamefreak hates me for this one simple trick (used PKSM data editor on a modded 3DS to copy Pokemon data from HeartGold directly into X instead of having to replay and beat White just to transfer up one gen at a time)

Sir Evans,

While you do suggest that this mac and cheese you have so expertly prepared serves 2-3 people, I believe you have massively underestimated the type of fatass you are dealing with in this very moment.

Have at thee

Nothing is better for your ego than being compared to a sex pest

Drunk guy at the brewery "complimented" my sweater by calling it "Cosby-esque." I guess I'm burning this fucking sweater lmao.