soon i’ll be at a kid’s bday party snorting rails of pixy stix off the ass of chuck e cheese

i'm don't bother trying to work people out anymore just follow their lead years old

to defeat math you need to think like a number

The best part of waking up is reading the news and thinking, “at least the time of humans is coming to a close.”

people often criticize a dog and pony show but frankly, i think that sounds kind of neat

your ten minutes (20 minutes) or my ten minutes (3.5 hours)?

the sound that an armful of cutlery makes when being thrown down the stairs would be a great name for a girl

according to this app game ad, im sort of a big deal in the IQ department

I'm into bio-hacking if it's used to make me hold more cheese.

🥵

The sexiest of scenarios 😮‍💨

carrot in the back: reverse cowgirl so that you, a cucumber, can peer longingly into the dip.

if cringemaxxing becomes a recognized sport I may have a real shot at winning the golden belt, my opps

doing my part as an elder millennial to kill the looksmaxxing and mogging thing by mogging on looksmaxxers by saying mogging and looksmaxxing

I have excellent dental coverage so I take my skibidi toilets orally

*grinding up my morning meds with the coffee beans to save time*

you can kiss your homies goodnight again thanks to woke 2.0

I can control my phone screen with my fork and I don’t know what this means. Don’t worry about how I know this

Weather Livestream: ...tornados and golf-ball sized hail. It's important that you seek shelter immediately if you're in the area of—[your video will resume after these ads]

but no, capitalism is fine.

I’m not spiraling

this is a pirouette you dumbass

terrifying if literal:
turn around, bright eyes
every now and then i fall apart

my followers are all real but i'm not and neither is time or colors

to those who have muted me, I say this:

HAHAHA SUCKERS I CAN SAY ANYTHING I WANT HERE AND YOU WON'T SEE IT! just kidding i love you anyway and i respect your choices

sisyphus getting a treadmill for christmas

woke pope too busy pushin p to care about your hot goss

My cat has a British accent and that’s crazy cause he doesn’t even have a passport.

But they were all of them deceived, for another Non Blonde was made.

get in loser, we're burning all our clothes and digging a hole straight into the earth's molten core

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, Charlie Brown

y'all still eating popcorn like orville redenbacher wasn't weak on crime