Your soulmate is out there wandering the earth alone while you're on here watching me talk about the air fryer on my nightstand

Every Earth day we should get to vote someone off the planet

It's almost time for the weekend, beer me

Guess I'll go to sleep and have nightmares about meeting people from the internet

A jar of fresh pickled jalapenos

I know I don't post sexy pics here often but I had to

It is!

If you like bad boy types sometimes I shampoo with my eyes open
ᵇᵉᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ ⁱᵐ ˢᶜᵃʳᵉᵈ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵃʳᵏ

Unpopular opinion: I'M LOVABLE DAMMIT! jk

I just found my old grim reaper costume if anyone's into that

Do zombies have a sense of humor or should I stop working on my apocalypse prop comedy routine

I'll be the straight line to your squiggly line sounded romantic af in my head

Them: You really need to get your shit together.

Me: Ew!

a black and white photo of two men with the words i 'm canadian on the bottom Alt: Colin mochrie and Ryan stiles on Whose Line is it Anyway. Colin waves a small Canadian flag. Colin: "I'm Canadian."

I'm working on an illustration of a beaver high five-ing a Canada Goose while listening to an audiobook about maple syrup. i did not actually plan this, but it was clearly meant to be. 🇨🇦

Normalize whatever you want just don't think you can normalize me

Talk to text didn't understand my love language so I had to do the logical thing and ghost the person

Being classy and trashy is self care

Got a beer and a back scratcher so I'm good

Nothing good has ever come from walking to the mailbox

Every time a dude gets rejected online a podcast host gets it's wings

I hope you win today. You probably won’t but I hope you do.

To honor the astronauts I will be performing an after coffee splashdown for the foreseeable future

Shout out to people that have never eaten a silica gel packet

I guess they went with Coachella because Pretentious Fest was already taken?

ALT:

I still like Artemis I better

Alexa, tell me I'm pretty and still kinda funny

You'd think I would have more money for how cheap I am

Everyone wants to say I'm procrastinating when I'm really just trying to pick out my dystopian hair style

I'd probably post about vibe check more often if I knew what that meant

An Easter Monday tradition but it's just me asking the butcher if they have any discount meats

My biggest red flag is that you have to get to know me