called it (obvious choice tbf)

i am just a doll made of ball and socket joints

i'll find a way to crush a ligament

based on how regular people spend money i am morally obligated to overnight 55 gallons of k lube and 7 pizza peels

i will not be taking questions

i have adult money, i can buy a bounce house and fill it with lube if i want to

lmao i thought it was a brownie until i had the carpet for scale

30 = dead is from the 80s–90s when gay men weren't expecting to live past their 30s before HIV/AIDS took them. people who say this and mean it don't know their history

30s are just your 20s but with a brain

40s are just your 30s but with a paycheck and a plan/attitude problem

oh i like that

emotional support trucks

oh, actual work to do how rare

there, i turned your $9 bar pizza into a $14 fancy elevated bar pizza you can teach anybody to do in 5 minutes.

thanks for coming to my ted talk/here's the invoice

simply put if you can't stretch dough in 30 seconds, stop trying and get a rolling pin. if you're the manager and you can't train/keep staff that can do this, it's an easy choice. stop making pizza and start making flatbread. roll it into an oval and serve it on a fucking wooden plank with arugula

anyway, if you get everything right like they did in my picture, that's the result, and it's damn close to the best that can be done with what they have.

how to improve? make it easy to make it the same way over and over again. that means dough skill

the cheese is far and away the most expensive ingredient and should not be wasted. if you aren't making money on pizza, squint at the cheese situation.

by the way the correct and sane amount of cheese is whatever covers about half the sauce. i dare you to fight me.

extra cheese is about half again what you use normally. any more than that and you need to eject the 6yo sitting at the bar.

the solution to work around this is very careful portion control and stretching. portion control is easy, just get a measuring cup and require staff use it. don't eyeball even when you're rushing (you're always rushing)

no big sliced vegetables. dice the peppers. quarter the mushrooms.

food safety laws mean the cheese and the sauce are 40F, so you have to use less of each or you just get warm slop and raw dough in the center while the crust burns. vegetables add a ton of steam. a steel plate would really help the dough along but without convection. extra cheese? just give up

the place i went has struggled for years balancing this. there's no pizza oven humming away at 700F, it's a general use oven around 375-400 with a broiler. maybe a clay slab at the bottom. the low temperature completely changes what you can get away with doing

it goes like this from worst to best:
arcade
frozen
school
<bar pizza>
chain
fancy airport
high end
brooklyn legendary

so bar pizza is the highest you can go without dedicated space staff and equipment

and hoping your staff turnover is low enough that you get a good result more than once, not just back to back, but one night to the next, forever, with toppings that have water in them and will absolutely fuck everything up

bar pizza is a distinct class of pizza that is just good enough and fast enough and easy enough for a bar to make and not piss off their customers with how bad it is. and it's STILL hard. it has to beat arcade pizza and freezer pizza, which means you're teaching people how to assemble and bake it

bar pizza is not high quality, and it's not from somewhere that only makes pizza and nothing else. probably nothing is made in house, and there might not even be a pizza oven. somebody might have thought, 'hey lets make pizza!' and just ordered a kit from sysco. because it's always fucking sysco

ok i guess i'll post about why bar pizza is so hard.

pizza is hard. literally everything matters and affects the result. every ingredient can be high quality and it just won't combine well. dough and sauce recipes are a giant pit you'd be lucky to crawl out of after years of practicing *only* pizza

i must be one of those awful hiss-gronk furries the good furries shoo away from cameras.

but actually @chupakaibra.bsky.social drew me a couple years ago as the toothy troublemaking goblin shown and i love it. not a hint of majesty, very few thoughts in that head.

cheap beer

Yeah I wondered about that too. bsky.app/profile/athy...

my shitpost broke containment and I'm all out of galaxy projectors

area man flabbergasted local dive gets their shit together; makes great pizza now

a low polygon sad looking pigeon from some game i never played

me this morning when my eyes are still blinking one at a time and i see 30+ notifs from overnight after Discoursing about face-hammering but they're all gone/fake and the website has a bright red forbidden banner