“What do you mean runny? Runny how? How am I runny?”

Goudafellas

I’m so hungover I just told my kettle to fuck off.

I had a chicken doner kebab last night, lads

Ok I admit it: I have absolutely no fucking idea what opera is.

Me when Bluesky is down

Outstanding. My compliments 🫡

The Pope is weak on the price of a lager shandy being the same as the price of a regular pint.

There really is nothing better than bollocking my English Lit students that limiting the books and films they consume will stunt their vocabularies and their cultural references, before I go home, shut the door, and watch the same 8 series of Peep Show until I am dead.

My old Physics teacher Dr Roberts is two weeks away from developing a nuclear weapon.

due to Dead

I miss this. People living in the moment. One finds a playboy, develops a homoerotic obsession, kills him with an oar, pretends he's alive, kills his friend with a marble bust, falls in love with an Englishman but suffocates him while lamenting that he’ll always be alone. Not a cell phone in sight.

Oh, sharks are prepared for Making Tax Digital for Income Tax as sole traders, are they? Grow up.

(Posting this annually until I’m finally able to afford bread, a paper, an apple, and TWO cans of alcoholic lager beer.)

Today’s my birthday. Getting older is the dawning realisation that this guy is not a cartoonish comedy character, but a real and very possible future outcome.

There’s something about Kvaratskhelia that doesn’t scream ‘footballer’. He’s more ‘enigmatic postgrad from SOAS who each week turns up as a +1, dribbles past everyone, before saying absolutely nothing at the pub post-match’.
Which other players, apart from Kaká, also look bewilderingly out of place?

A big problem I faced in live comedy was that I’m too posh to do standup but not posh enough to do clowning.

I’m turning 33 tomorrow, lads.

We’re all fans of Germanicus Julius Caesar’s military campaigns in northern Germania, but get a life.

I can’t believe Apple commissioned a 2nd series of Jon Hamm Steals A Few Posh Watches.

Chris Morris voice:

You know what? Given civilisation ends tonight, I might as well get a few things off my chest:

Normal People was overhyped, Ozark was just ok, and Ted Lasso is an absolute sack of shit.

Heard the Ayatollah’s headlining Wireless.

This is like one of those incredibly intense backstage photos from the Edinburgh Fringe for the newest big comedian (inevitably a clown whose father is a hereditary peer)

How I see myself versus How I actually am:

“your Top Illness in 2026 was Menstrual Cramps, which you enjoyed 46 times”

The Assassination of My Bank Account by the Coward Delicious Bank Holiday Pints.

The Assassination of My Bank Account by the Coward Delicious Bank Holiday Pints.

There’s not nearly enough research being done into the genuine mental illness that is men booking 5-a-side football at 9:30am on Easter Bank Holiday Monday.

I’m sorry, signed?!