the biggest mistake you can make in life is giving a fuck

sometimes i’m so smart i’m stupid. i got that wisdumb

What the fucking my way through the day one tiny wtf at a time

The cassette tape in my brain got all tangled again. Can you stick a pencil in my ear and wind it back up?

stick a fork in me, im a toaster

It's Friday the 13th, but I'm not worried about bad luck; I've been microdosing black cats all week.

Sometimes I feel as if we’re all Schrodinger's cat.

ever feel like you’re an npc desperately trying to be a player character? no? oh haha yeah me neither

She's a 10/10 but excel thinks she's October 10th

Sometimes people come into your life, and that’s got to stop.

A Juliet is a small Julie.

hello darkness my old frenemy

you never hear about someone getting combobulated

blood clots are just boba for vampires.

brutal takedown, never saw it coming

like nails on a chalkboard these are the days of our lives

a protective outer shell that loves to hug and kiss is an X-O-skeleton

This second piece of cake tastes like I'm not worthy of real love

I often let my hair down, as its expectations of me are too unreasonable

guys i'm driving a bus and everyone is mad at me cuz im driving 120 mph to wherever i feel like

my exact form hovering over the toilet in the winter

sure Hulk smash, but does he cuddle afterwards

I may not be beautiful on the outside but inside I look like pulsating lasagna

few things PMO more than when an extrovert claims to be an introvert

potholes? you mean road turbulence? ?

want to feel old? christmas was two fucking weeks ago

“Damn it, that sounded way funnier in my head.” - me and every tweet I’ve ever written.

Sesame Street never prepared me for any of this

Sorry I got confused and yelled “Red rover, red rover!” when your family joined hands to pray before dinner.