Googling “Are gas prices supposed to go way up after you win a war?”

I’ve worn reflective sunglasses every day since I graduated high school and have never stepped foot outside Arizona. Iran is the greatest threat to my safety.

Today must feel great for fans of the Iraq War trash fire

AI is such a powerful artistic tool that the more you use it to make your art, the less your art is your art.

A guy tried to convince me to get a water pick by telling me it’s like a bidet for teeth.

Nice haircut!

Me to niece: In the 90s

[niece immediately trying to leave]

Me: This is IMPORTANT—90s we had to rub the delete button of a pencil directly on the writing we didn’t like.

I tried the water-in-Mexico diet, and I hit my 6-month target weight in 2 days. Highly recommended.

Guy in the bathroom stall at Target is playing porn loudly. Wtf dude, this isn’t Walmart.

Cactus: I stab, what’s your defense?

Poison ivy: Poison.

Onion, confidently peering over glass of scotch: I make my attacker look sad.

One of the miracles of being stoned is that you’ll make yourself a snack, leave the room and come back to the surprise that a snack had appeared there.

When you hear someone is “riddled” with something, the sentence never ends well. It’s never like, “Arthur got his test results. He’s riddled with charisma.”

Hahahaha

Every fountain is a drinking fountain if you give zero fucks about sanitation and social standing.

Isaac Newton hides behind his bed. Desperately quiets his breath. Sweat drips.

The doorknob turns.

That apple rolls in, back to finish the fucking job.

Flying Squirrel Loves It Every Time

Flying Squirrel Loves It Every Time

Twinsies!

Nobody self-identifies as racist. It’s like a vampire’s inability to see his reflection in a mirror: You have to learn it about yourself through other indications, like by catching yourself saying “Mmmm blood,” or “I’m not a racist, but...”

That maps super well

Just ate the absolute best cantaloupe I’ve ever had in my life. It was mediocre.

Not knowing how to cook was exciting. Every ingredient was like a Chopped mystery basket ingredient. 20-year-old me was like “What am I supposed to do with pasta AND pasta sauce? Make a sandwich?”

Lasagna is pasta cake.

Me after eating an individually packaged cookie: What a nice snack

Me after eating 30 cookies because they’re not individually packaged: What a nice snack, my stomach hurts for some reason

I will always regret not buying this sexy Jean-Luc Picard painting.

Cats are jerks. If a cat is licking you, it’s likely just wiping cat ass hair from its tongue.

People say North Koreans are poorly educated victims of a propaganda state, but North Korea just reported its literacy rate is 110% so who’s the real dummy?

I can’t believe “127 Hours” wasn’t called “Between a Rock and a Hard Place”

Big thanks to Apple for adding this face 😩 for all those times we need a "sad orgasm" emoji

Cat experts say when a cat leaves a mouse at your doorstep, they’re trying to feed you. But let’s cut the bullshit—that cat is telling you you’re next.

The Professor Brothers - Bible History #1 (Sodom & Gomorrah) YouTube video by TheRealBradNeely

Reminds me of this: youtu.be/bar3GOzDNzg?...