a picture of some dang corn dogs

i thought that was the whole point. this is my first post in 10 months.

15-month-old keeps bringing me books and asking "READ?!" like she doesn't realize I've got a +800 parlay on the line with Eagles-Rams

is that a mustard drizzle? (fun sentence to write imo)

i mean she just HATES it

you can't tell me this couldn't have been a ham

i know this cartoon came out during the Great Depression, but god damn

oh I'm nowhere neeear this observant

found the photographer, and he's got some even cooler (but not littler) stuff on his insta:

www.instagram.com/cho_fungi?ig...

the mushroom is very small. there's a finger next to it, and it (the finger) is so big in comparison to the tiny mushroom that the finger looks, frankly, gross. i'm telling you this is a very small mushroom.

is even cooler and littler than you'd guess

a beautiful mushroom with a bright blue cap...

this cool little dude

Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It's not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.

Oh man, I had forgotten about this sensation: when the GOP walks back a 100% ludicrous and unconscionable proposal, and my dumb ass feels like it's a win.

ICE-T: So let me get this straight: We got two sets of footprints walkin along this beach. Times start getting tough, and this set just vanishes? Did one guy fly away? Did-

LAB GUY (measuring depth of one of the remaining footprints with a little ruler): Detective? You're gonna want to see this...

Hope you got the good stuff, my man. Speedy recovery, and spend tonight working on some zingers for when they grill you about your, uh, _throughput_over the next few days.

happy first day of static electricity season for those who celebrate

It was really too much salt.

He could've said nothing. He didn't need to. I would've been mortally embarrassed if he had pretended not to recognize me, pretended not to even SEE me.

But, instead, he just said, lightly, "How's the baby?"

And I'm face to face with the waiter from the ramen joint.

It's a really nice meal. I don't get to go out often, and I'm enjoying bullshitting with the bartender while doing some light doomscrolling and looking for old Twitter friends on here. I finish up, grab the check, close out, hop off the barstool, turn around,

I'm starving, so I walk down the street to my favorite Italian place. There's an open spot at the bar. I order the bolognese and "a pilsner" (like I'm in a 1986 sitcom) before the bartender can set down the menu. They're both in front of me within 7 minutes, and they're both fucking amazing.

Maybe I should've sent it back or given them some feedback or whatever, but, after a game attempt at the noodles, I flagged down my waiter said I had to run because my wife needed me back home because "the baby just woke up sick."

"No, don't worry about a to-go. I really have to get going."

I'm talking picking-the-wrong-grail level of salt.

Your pal Miah just got Busted. Went to try the new neighborhood ramen joint tonight, and I am sad to report it was t e r r i b l e. I will normally headbutt a deer and try to steal its salt lick during the ensuing mayhem, but this stuff made mouth draw up when the waiter was 5 steps away.

honestly, could lose the "by and" here

If you're looking for the tiniest glimmer of a smile, know that the absolute worst people in our country are secretly kinda sad that they don't have a reason to storm anything. Group chats are in shambles. Vacation days burned. Custody hearings skipped. They've been looking forward to this for YEARS

I'm giving this my Tweet of the Day.

still can't believe this one didn't do numbers

dude my tweets were not that bad

Hadn't posted there in months, but finally uninstalled it this morning. Will always treasure 2011-2016, when my greatest worry was if I should drop out of med school if my tweets caught the eye of Jimmy Kimmel's writers' room.