Know what’s stupid?

Sometimes when my meds are working well, the copying skills are on point and I’m doing generally okay

I feel guilty.

Lolololol

Damn son, it’ll be 20 years this November 11th since my MeMaw passed away.

Damn. I miss her. I should try to go through some of the old photos we have hanging around and upload them

😭😭😭

Anyway I didn’t really like the last person I saw after my long time dr left -another reason I didn’t stay on top of it.

But not to sound elitist or anything

But ALL the options are Nurse Practitioners. ALL of them. And that rubs me the wrong way

(Been out of refills, only have a few pills left that I mainly take when I go get my adhd meds filled bc I don’t want to lose my adhd meds)

So I’m trying to get an appointment with a PCP bc it’s been just over a year or so since I have seen one and I have been out of my blood pressure meds

I’m like mom at this rate she is gonna be expecting warmed milk before bed for the rest of her life lol.

Also we’re still fixing this puppy warmed goats milk at almost 10 weeks old.

She will drink some water here and there but she expects her milk in her bowl 3 times a day and it better be warm

In cuter news have a Pipsqueak. She’s got a little weight behind her now. She has moved to the “big girl” play area which makes her look so little again lol.

Ugh

Also the care giver burn out is real. And how mean my mother has been in the past when trying to help her -the resent meant from that is making it hard for me these days.

Now don’t get me wrong the coping skills I gained the last time around are still helping-but it’s been hard lately

Another major issue is I have been feeling very invalidated again. And that leads to me having a harder time regulating my emotions.

And I don’t need it to creep in to my work life (again lol)

My mean /asshole side comes out . And I don’t fucking like that version of me. And I feel that is starting to cause more issiues in my life

I don’t like how detached I have become to some things. I don’t like how that makes me come off as as a person.

And work through the resentment I have been dealing with in regards to the relationship with my mom (and like that’s a thing that has many layers and Debbie already knows a lot of it)

But I honestly feel like i could really use some threapy time to process a lot of the trauma of the last like year almost two of the medical issues that we have went through with my mother

Plus some of the stuff I have processed is now hard for me to recall (it’s like my brain has just stored it away and the box is to annoying to re open but you know what’s in there)

And like Debbie already knows my base history with like my issiues with my mother. And I don’t want to hash that with some one else

Buuut-I could probably use a therapist /counselor or whatever again but I reeeeeereealy just don’t want to go through that process of getting know someone again

I miss my therapist Debbie, I hope she is doing well. Still proud of her for getting that new title and all. I know she is out there making waves.

(In elementary school I would almost obsessively watch the time on the stove and loudly announce the time every 5 mins to my mother till she would finally walk me to the end of the street to make sure we didn’t miss the school bus)

(Looking back I have never been good at time ,and the anxiety of missing the bus had me walking out to the stop at as early as 530 am juuuust in case lol)

(Way way way back in middle school and high school I use to have to get up a 5 am,before the rest of the house, to be ready for the bus that would come at 7 am bus

Buuuut I now get my at minimum of an hour of nobody saying anything to me in the morning that I have missed so much over the years

So now to help kick my ass in to gear I take my mood stabilizer and adhd meds at like 3/4 in the morning . Which means I have to re take the adhd meds a little earlier in the day at work

I think I have come to accept that I now tend to just wake up at 3 am and it is the better choice to just stay up as falling back asleep just means either being late or super grumpy/tired when it is time to get up for work

….is it sad that before I read that post I was like “hehe blue meets green” plus the heart.and then I read your post and lol’d anyway mission accomplished on the destiel