One A Day Men's!!!!

Just put a whole bottle of steroid cream on my asshole to make my asshole stronger!

#HealthTips

My wife's boyfriend just gave me a $50 TGI Fridays gift card and told me to "treat myself to some wings!"

Hanging from the ceiling by my dick!

#family
#sundayvibe

My band, Jankus and the Pre-Cum Boys, will be playing the Home and Garden section of a yet-to-be-revealed Walmart location! Stay tuned! 👀 🤘

#LiveMusic
#Walmart
#Grammys

Heading to the dentist's office to knock out my dentist. I hate that fucker.

"So do you like to be the big spoon or the little spoon when it comes to ass fucking?"

- My grandpa leaning over to talk to me during the Sunday family dinner

#family

My wife (Jankusette) has filed for divorce "effective immediately!"

Uh, wow! Just found out Food Lion has a very strict "No Above-The-Pants Handjobs" policy!

#AmericaIsFucked

I just shit my pants so badly that my ex wife says she's coming for full custody of the kids!!!

#family
#goddamnit

OW! MY FAT ASS!

"Stick to touching your own ass and balls!"

- My haters after I spoke out against ICE.

I WILL NOT STICK TO TOUCHING MY ASS AND BALLS! THOUGH I AM GOOD AT THAT!

Filling up water balloons with piss so I can throw them at my son when he "walks for graduation!"

#family

Can't remember if I shit my pants, so I'm gonna shit my pants again just to be safe!

#NFLPlayoffs

My dad just fucked my uncle!!!

Running up to all the ICE agents bothering people in my community and biting their penises off!

#fuckICE

Just tasted a little bit of my own shit. This tastes like absolute ASS!

#Foodies

How am I supposed to bang my mom if she's already banging my dad?????

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 3: Somebody (Me) Cum Blasted in the Pants!!!

#Cinema
#Film
#NewMovies2026

My penis and my ass and my balls and my mom and my dad!

I have a big ruler that I bought from Home Depot, and you know what? I'm thinking I'm going to stick this bad boy directly up my asshole!

I am THIS fucking close to shitting my pants! I WILL SHIT!

My Spotify Wrapped top song was "Please Stop Grabbing My Fat, Disgusting Ass -- It Hurts My Fat Ass When You DO THAT, You Rat Fuck Piece Of Shit!!!!"

🤣 Lmao! Not surprising! The life of a parent, I guess!

#SpotifyWrapped

Grandpa just showed up dressed as the QAnon Shaman screaming "MERRY CHRISTMAS! GUESS WHO HAS PRESENTS!?"

We might have to euthanize grandpa.

#family

Everyone please go to SqueezeMyFatAss dot com (my grandson's new website!!!!!!)

#family
#support
#familyvibes

Getting ready to kick the fuck out of my grandpa during the family Thanksgiving football game tomorrow!

The wife is telling me not to shit my pants. I'm thinking that I'll still do it, though.

Thinking about calling the cops on my kids so they'll shut the fuck up!

#parenting

My balls smell like my ass and my ass smells like my balls!!!

Me (whispering): "What's your favorite part from Marvel Studios' Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania? My favorite part is when they go to Quantumania because it says in the title they are going to do that."

The person I'm having sex with: "What?"