Math will never explain how I get 4 times as much done for the week when I decline the weekly status call.

So often I'm on the right side of history but the wrong side of physics.

I need u to look at me naked for a science experiment

It's Earth Day! Time to get naked and run through the forest

Questionable business practices and you'll never get anyone on the phone who can help you, so I'm basically already a tech company.

I've decided to build the everything app

Distance could never keep us apart: it's the fact that your area has ticks.

I come here for the laughs. And the boobs.

I can get the weed wacker stringy in the thingy wearing heavy gloves (slow wink)

Much like terminators, composters are programmed such that we cannot self-compost.

A live stream where I scroll Bluesky, you trash talk my mutuals in the chat, and I riff on how cool they actually are.

So rude of that clickbait article to contain real, actionable life advice I desperately needed.

Every English word was a originally spelled with no knowledge of how any other English word was spelled.

Catfish me but only literally (shove your hand in my mouth and pull me from my hole beneath the riverbank)

That's my secret, I always want a muffin

I am so far over it now (I keep telling myself), but you may have a point.

I smell a discourse

Autocorrect changed good morning to good muffin and I mean

My truck is so old the cup holders only fit a beer bottle.

A board game where you connect major declines in civil society to the recent Supreme Court rulings that enabled them.

Only because your natural habitat is a tropical beach. 🔥

Fancy going-out sweats are no joke!

Sorry you left the house in sweats and I still flirted with you.

Saw a hottie sneaking a hit off her vape in the gym. Thought of you.

No dead, not alive, but a secret third thing (deleted the app).

Meet new people!? I'm trying to tolerate the ones I know.

An app that follows your favorite Bluesky peeps and whispers their posts in your ear in real time.

Makes total sense to me. Rambutan is one of my favorites too!

Tried calling, it's a tire place

You either eat the potato salad or you use it to lay the tiles for your mosaic.