What do people think of Trump's pick for Chief Sorcerer, I'm worried his background is in blood magic instead of divination and warding

This app does something dark to me

I did not set out to be this annoying.

JUDGE: I do not recommend representing yourself.
ME: Oh, don’t worry *pulls ventriloquist dummy from briefcase* I won’t be.

On your first day of prison go up to the biggest guy and pay him a compliment. It doesn’t cost you anything to be kind.

there was no proof in that pudding, your honor

I will seduce you through the ancient art of hating what you hate.

Covering front desk at work as a solid for someone, and I swear people see a front desk and think you're a hospitality worker

Oh you need coffee? Feel free to go get some and come back, then...I'm not working at a Holiday Inn

Instead of saying I have to poop, I say I’m starting a movement.

I hope my new therapist thinks I'm funny, which is the most important thing in therapy

Star wars? you mean like Beyoncé vs Taylor?

no. like Ja-

Rule vs 50 cent?

-bba the Hutt. Or Prince-

vs Michael Jackson?

-ss Leia. Or R2D2-

Pac vs

huskpupz posting on twitter saying: "no parappa" after the character in tomodachi life asks: "It will cost $1. Do we have the budget for that right now?"

craves and hates routine

I can't believe you would call me out this way Kim

Homie you’re giving off Facebook uncle trying to be controversial in 2013 vibes

I cast Medical Power of Attorney!

Thought it was the weekend, and was confused when my alarm went off. Then I'm like, oh no, it's Tuesday. That was brutal.

Fuck it we bawl

See you at the feeding trough

*opens social media

I'm going to dissociate, does anyone need anything?

Should be one bank for everything. Checking, savings, loans, blood, sperm, spank all under one roof

Well I mean we gotta have that guy, the break room isn't the same without him

Hey they have to pay for those tshirts and bumper stickers somehow

My union: sure we may not have gotten you anything in our last negotiation, & we actually lost you some things if we're being honest, & things aren't looking good for THIS year's negotiations, but we'll never stop sort of fighting for you. Now about those dues...

(I'm 100% pro union, chill out)

[Phone chimes]

Wife: who's that?

Me: (hiding promo push notification from McDonald's) just a friend

I saw four goth kids were sitting outside against the brick wall of a CVS yesterday like they were waiting for The Cure

Oh no, not a blocklist of someone I've never interacted with, how will I go on

Love when people I didn’t want to call in the first place don’t call me back. Like, how long can we keep this special thing going.

turning off notifications so the dopamine has to chase me instead

it probably feels so good to do something with your life