I love when people say “everything happens for a reason” like okay cool can the reason maybe email me directly next time instead of doing all this theatrics.

I love it when someone says ‘their hearts in the right place’. That doesn’t mean anything except that they’re biologically alive.

Just saw someone take a “quick nap” on public transport and wake up with a whole new personality and a minor backstory.

Doctor said to take baby steps so I’ve been crawling, standing up for a moment at a time and then falling back down crying.

My toxic trait is thinking “this will be a quick errand” like I haven’t met myself before.

I love when I walk into a room and forget why I’m there so I just stand still like I’ve been placed on pause by a higher power

Just waved at someone who wasn’t waving at me so now i legally have to move countries and take on a new identity as “person who never waves”.

I don’t trust people who say “see you soon.” Soon where? Soon when? Soon how prepared should I be emotionally??

I don’t trust people who say “just a quick question” like I’ve ever emotionally recovered from the last one.

Women will literally go to therapy and process their emotions instead of letting them marinate into a personality trait like a man.

I love when my phone suggests “memories from this day” like yeah I remember… I was there… making worse decisions in lower resolution

I love when my phone autocorrects something into a word I’ve never used in my life. Like wow, thanks for introducing me to my new personality.

Used a big word in real life and now I have to act like I always talk like that. Triple word score, zero friends.

I love when a recipe says “prep time: 10 minutes” like the recipe is assuming I don’t spend the first 25 minutes just staring into the fridge like it’s going to suggest something.

I love ordering a baker’s dozen because it makes me feel briefly connected to a community I have no real ties to. Not a baker. Not religious. Just… hungry.

My toxic trait is assuming I’ll become a completely different, organised person tomorrow because I moved one item on my desk.

My screen time report every Sunday is like a performance review from a boss who has seen everything and is very disappointed in how much of it was just me looking at my phone again five minutes later.

Timothée Chalamet saying ballet and opera are boring is funny because if you showed a 1700s composer a photo of him they’d assume he was the ballet.

My phone gets a little slow and weird every few months and needs a reboot, which is interesting because that’s also exactly how I operate as a human.

Friday nights in my 30s are less “going out” and more “seeing how horizontal I can get without it counting as sleep.”

I forgot my headphones today so now I’m just walking around hearing the world. Cars. Birds. People. My own breathing.
Absolutely disgusting audio design.

I love when my phone says “you’ve been very active today” and it’s just me walking to the fridge like it’s Everest.

I don’t have trust issues, I just think every pigeon is in a group chat about me.

At this point there are so many iOS updates I don’t even read them. It’s just “iOS 18.7.4.3.6” and I’m like sure babe, evolve. Become whatever you’re trying to become.

I waved at someone who wasn’t waving at me so I just kept waving. It’s my life now. I live here. My arm is so strong.

My phone autocorrected “haha” to “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” and now I look like I either found God or completely lost him.

I don’t have an inner monologue, I have a full PR team.

“Sammy wouldn’t say that.”
“Sammy is better than this.”
“Sammy needs a snack before Sammy ruins his own life.”

I love when my brain says “quick nap” and my body says “excellent idea, see you in three business days.”

I love when my phone autocorrects something small like “duck” to “fuck” but refuses to correct the real problem which is my entire personality.

I bought a planner to organise my life and now my life includes “ignore planner” as a recurring event.