Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II would have been 100 years old today. In honour of this occasion I've been keeping a set of old stamps, and I shall spend the day gently licking the back of her face.
Prince died ten years ago. Rupert Murdoch is still alive. I’d like to speak to the manager, please.
You know you're getting old when you've still got a hidden agenda but you can't remember where you hid it.
I approve the medical use of marijuana, provided it doesn't make the doctor giggle during my prostate examination.
#Happy420
There’s nothing new about AI Companions. In the old days we called them imaginary friends and we expected kids to grow out of them.
Today is Hitler’s birthday. Or Founder’s Day, as the White House likes to think of it.
I'm old enough to remember... no, wait, now I've forgotten. Now I'm too old to remember. Damn, it's a narrow window.
Ok I’m going to train for a half marathon just so I can enter it dressed in a realistic robot costume, stop every few minutes to hydrate myself with what appears to be engine oil, fall over repeatedly, direct an unbroken stream of foul obscenities at the other runners, then run amok in the crowd.
Then they came for the camouflage experts.
And they’re still looking.
Are you a fan of Fantasy? You'll love Trumpworld, a zany parallel universe where losing is winning, lies are truth, and a man sitting behind a desk and talking gibberish while shitting his pants is worshipped by a sinister cult of theocratic clowns helping him destroy the world.
Wiggly People
Wiggly Thing
You make my heart sing
You make everything
Curvey
Wiggly Thing
I think I love you
Exactly
Experience all the excitement of international blockades in your own home! Play "Strait of Hormuz" by having a family and only one bathroom, whose use is perpetually contested through the deployment of threats, negotiations, bluff, bluster, blackmail, and bursts of irrational violence.
If you're planning to get a bunch of tattoos your first tattoo should be a picture of you with no tattoos, just for reference.
Once you've learned how to write "I am a drunk idiot” in Sanskrit, Mandarin and Arabic you're pretty much ready to open your own tattoo parlour.
Then they came for the reasonable people,
And I did not speak out,
Because I was coughing so much as they teargassed me.
Scientists! Invent cables that can be untangled simply by cursing at the fuckers and your Nobel prize is guaranteed.
(For the benefit of anyone under thirty, a cable is a type of electric string used by old people.)
quote of review for novel "Echoes of Douglas Adams at his more mischievous. Top marks for originality and subversive humour."
My darkly funny dystopian novel "Please do not Ask for Mercy as a Refusal Often Offends," (what if Blade Runner but Inspector Clouseau) is getting less dystopian by the day. Read it NOW before reality overtakes it.
www.amazon.co.uk/Please-Mercy...
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he had a few beers and got the idea for Pete Hegseth.
Thank goodness Bluesky is back. While it was inaccessible, I had to make my own comforting bubble out of detergent and optimism in the bathtub and the water was starting to get cold.
After JD Vance has finished lecturing the Pope about catholicism, he'll be explaining to LeBron James why he's doing basketball wrong.
Don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs. And she's probably not the ideal demographic for your anal bleaching YouTube tutorial, either.
He could, and I hope he does.
A good way to convince anyone you meet that you're a gifted psychic and you're channeling the spirit of their late grandmother is by spitting on a handkerchief and trying to clean their face.
ChatGPT: you’re right you’re so much smarter than him. He’s so schlubby and you’re so suave. Columbo will never catch you.
There are two reason the Pope can't excommunicate Donald Trump. Firstly, Trump's not a catholic. Secondly, he doesn't understand long words like excommunicate.
The British army has denied that it lacks the ability to be a credible defence force, in a statement issued from its headquarters in the church hall at Walmington-on-Sea. A spokesperson added, "Don't panic!"
114 years ago tonight, the Titanic struck an iceberg, as a result of hubris, greed and denial. It wouldn’t happen now, of course, as all the icebergs seem to be melting. For the same reasons.
“We deplore your acts of international terrorism so we’re going to show you how it should be done.”
-finally, an honest statement from JD Vance about American foreign policy.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Keep laughing, and the world laughs a little less heartily. Laugh some more, and the world starts to look nervous. Show no sign of stopping the laughter and pretty soon you'll have the entire train carriage to yourself.