it will just have to do.

is penis ok?

forgot to leave a plate of pizza out for weed last night.

me: i’d like to donate my body.

science: yeah, no. we’re good.

showing full persian gulf

😂😂😂😂

claiming my dog as a dependent

🎶 let her go/ let her gooooo 🎶

milk (in a gas station with a gun): everybody fucking just be cool! this is a robbery!!

clerk: fuck! the milk’s gone bad!!!!

Pope Leo on an airplane, standing in the aisle, holding a baseball bat.

Say "weak on crime" again. I dare you.

ever since i was a little boy, i’ve always dreamed of being placed on administrative leave.

mark, my words!!
(mark hands me a dictionary)

taste the rainbow

the factory where gay people are made

we have the technology

(extreme freddie mercury voice)

Had a Toblerone for the first time today

I will never financially recover from this

I would heart his penis text

alexa! anticipate my needs!

put cookie dough in the oven bc then it smells like baking, which makes guys think about sex

rest assured. i have brought all the urine

Saw a carnie flicking a cigarette at a teenager today. Nature is healing.

darned socks

the bag of doritos in the pantry just texted me 'you up?'

attempting the dirty dancing lift with my cat but his upper body strength is just pathetic

I might have yukked it up with you in the grocery store checkout line, but we’re in the parking lot now and I don’t know you anymore.

Ever since I was little I knew I wanted to take out a mortgage to buy toothpaste

on the next Maury…

in this house—if you’re not currently doing laundry, then you’re behind on laundry.