I’m committing a cardinal sin at the gym (granny panties and yoga pants)

cursed concept: a harem anime, but every girl is a manic pixie dream girl straight out of '00's cinema

ME: why am I not invited to your 4/20 party?
FRIEND: what day is it today?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: 1/5
FRIEND: that's why

happy to announce i have officially agreed to step into a new role as CEO of apple inc. starting immediately

apple inc has not agreed

A machine ran 13 miles in 50 minutes? Wait until they hear about cars.

Why would voters ever make a promise to a party. Why would that ever be the balance of power in anything but a cult.

After building the best public education system in the world brought us the Counterculture and the Anti-War Movement, conservatives in the US began a 50+ year assault to destroy public education.

I'm like this because my favourite snack as a child was orange chapstick.

Did you know that therapy takes more than one appointment? Just found out and i am LIVID

the torturer who just cut my ear off: please stop

me: *moaning*

so how about no president and we all just pinky promise to be cool

push notifications but it’s just my IBS

I like when an actor who usually plays Weird Little Freaks gets to play a *different* kind of Weird Little Freak than the type of Weird Little Freak they usually play

I'm just gonna say what we're all thinking: the scenario described in Franz Kafka's THE METAMORPHOSIS would make for an extremely compelling reality show.

*caveman discovers weed*
*caveman invents fire*
*stone age begins*

If we’re going to have to endure smart glasses we should at least be able to use them to monitor men’s behaviour towards women

Hide and seek but it's me being the seeker and never coming to find you so I can get some peace and quiet

F. Murray Abraham as Salieri in Amadeus

Tfw someone posts a better reply than you immediately after you’ve replied

it’s fun when multiple cat pfps like the same posts bc my notifications look like one cat saw it and shared it with their cat friends

A closeup image of a crescent moon in the shape of a smile

the moon out here smiling at me tonight

The main sign that WHCD is going to suck ass this year is that Trump is not afraid to attend it.

I date people who are messy because dumpster fires are hot

Being married is easy, I don't know why people complain about it. All you have to do is ask what your partner needs, actually listen to the answer, then figure out how you're going to train a variety of woodland creatures to put ancient curses on their enemies. It's literally so simple.

Instead of saying I have to poop, I say I’m starting a movement.

They need to stop publishing books until I’m caught up reading them all.

installing 2FA in my smart car so no one else can drive it, not even me after i forget my login

not every woman could pull off having this amount of earwax

whenever I see the tip defaulted to 30% on one of those nifty machines it feels like friendly fire in the class war

A grey blue washed image of a bearded young ish white guy looking into the mirror all serious with his palm pressed against it. A serif font title reads: DID I JUST ARGUE WITH A JOKE? A semi opaque navy snoot near the bottom bears the bluesky logo and the text PART OF A BLUESKY EDUCATIONAL SERIES

(liberal voice) get pwned, maga scum!!! enjoy those orange cheeto diaper farts !!!!! 🤣🤣🌊