Hehe thank you!

If i threw a microwave at you would you still love me

How to block someone on Microsoft teams?

I will cancel all of my plans just to take a nap

You can't have a bad day at work if you don't go

Did you know you can just start screaming whenever? It's not illigal or anything

Date a girl that's cute but can destroy a whole pizza by herself

Robber: "Everybody lie down!"
Me: [exhuasted] yeeessssssss

No offense but why would you decide to go big if the other option is to go home

I don't know about ya'll but i don't have another password left in me.

Them "How do you say, I miss you, without sounding desperate?"
Me "I miss you if you want"

I swear to god if my car needs gas one more fucking time

Dogs lick because they know we have bones inside and they want them.

Today I'm going to give it my almost.

I know my passport sitting in my drawer is confused af. Don't worry little one, soon soon.

Let's call it a week guys, we did our best.

Due to not wanting to, I will not.
Thanks.

I heard a kid say, "I'm going to have my brain taken out just so I can relax."
And I felt that.

My stomach hurts. I wonder which one of my 70 unhealthy habits is causing it this time.

Grocery list:
1. Don't run into anyone I know
2. Eggs

"Are we still going?" - my attempt to cancel plans.

We should have stopped somewhere between discovering fire and filing taxes. We did too much.

Sorry I snapped at you. My clothes felt weird. The temperature was too loud. My hair was touching me.

At this age, missing trash day feels like a personal failure you'll think about all week

Me when feeling suspiciously relaxed: What responsibility am I forgetting...

Being a functional adult every day seems a bit excessive

Ok. It's time for a reality check.
*checks reality*
Holy shit. Do not recommend.

I told my boss i was going to the bathroom, didn't tell him which one, now I'm at home

Home is where those fuckers aren't

Babe, you hardly touched my last nerve... are you okay?