Heated steering wheels are a fine luxury in this weather. Practically got tanned hands now

Quick, use the "cup final" shout...

Go away you fucking ming

The glorious Toffees

No teacher had arrived so I farted into a classmate’s Pepsi Max can styled pencil case and closed it over. Only for our year head to be watching through the window. A letter had to sent home and signed by mum as acknowledgment for two afternoon’s detention

Howdy. Do you do any t-shirts in kids sizes?

That’s basically passport control in the fucking rain. What a shambles

Peter Degn

Li Weifeng

Tommy Johnson

The 4 year old got in bed with us on 4 different occasions last night, and the 7 year old had a nightmare which prompted him to squeeze in too. The pair of them then berate me downstairs after finding an empty Maltesers packet, like I’ve been cheating on them. Can’t sleep or treat apparently

Do Everton Fan Services have an account on here? Not had a reply from their email team since well before Christmas. Be easy to have a convo with the Loch Ness Monster than that lot

Thursday’s bin collection turned up at 7:15am today. Must have been some traffic around these past two days

Throwing banana peels at cars trying to overtake me so they skid off the road

That Christmas on Netflix it is. Going to start drinking heavily

No one in this family agreeing that we should watch Paddington 2 this evening and I’m furious to be quite fucking honest

Got mine fresh out before. A few more stouts in my belly and I fear that ham won’t last until tomorrow

Worrying developments in the barbers here. Two lads waiting both sporting goatees. This is in Formby, for all of those who are suitably appalled

Only one super dog for me

two men standing next to each other with the words pint of the black stuff landlord above them ALT: two men standing next to each other with the words pint of the black stuff landlord above them

This calls for morning porter

No pints today. Sad

I’m coming down the man flu, lads. I can feel it in my dried up cheeks. Moisturising twice a day this week

Wonderful return of the Tommy, Hector & Laurita podcast today. Tommy’s witty quips bring absolute joy to my being

Top tier for me

But if he wants to be a serious actor than he best buck his ideas up. None of this fannying about, what would Stephen Graham think?

Youngest’s nativity this afternoon. He spent the whole time mouthing “daddy” and waving whilst dressed as a donkey and I turned to mush

Booing slacks put back in drawer. Up the Toffees

Can’t be booing in wrinkled trousers, we’re not complete Neanderthals