I was pulling my boxers off on bed last night when the wife said to me,

"Dave, you spoil those dogs!"

Did you know that Cristiano Ronaldo insured part of his body for millions with the so called "world's best insurance company"?

"Hiscox?"

No his feet..

I’ve decided that in preparation for Easter next year that I’ll give up chocolate for Lindt.

I get an errection every time I hear the song Mamma Mia!

I'm abbasexual....

I've had my new furry friend for nearly 6 months now and love the bitey, scratchy fecker to bits. Very different cat personality wise to my last one Midnight.

For copywriter purposes, the music playing on the hifi in the background is "Teddy Swims - Lose Control (piano version)".

I booked myself a ticket to go and see the Danish National Vocal Ensemble on Saturday 23 August 2025 at 14:00 in St George's Bristol and can no longer go, which has annoyed me.

Anyone want the ticket? Feel free to RT.

Saw a ladybird in a nightclub last night!

It asked I wanted to try some aphid....

The other half has just said to me - "I like a film where I need a tissue at the end."

Me too love, me too....

The Germans are rubbish at mathematics!

I asked 100 of them if they knew what the square root of 81 was.

They all said "No...."

Took the Kids swimming today. About half through the session I really needed to pee. So as it was quiet, I thought I’d have a crafty piss in the pool.

The lifeguard caught me!

Silly bastard blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in….

*Breaking news* - Live pictures coming in from North London as Tottenham Hotspur open and give their trophy cabinet a clean in prep for the Europa silverware arrival.

Fact….

You know that thing where people get their back, sack and crack hair removed?

Why has no one thought to call the arse bit of that procedure - “a waxative”…..

It’s the London Marathon 2025 today. Good luck to everyone taking part.

Did you know that the BBC’s coverage is their longest running show….

RIP Virginia Giuffre. It was nothing to do with Prince Andrew. He was at a pizza express….

*Allegedly*

Now the Pope has died you know what happens next?

Another one popes up..

This is Peter Crouch, using a lamppost as putter….

“I’d like a litre of vodka please.

It’s for my mum.”

I’ve just bought a house with period features!

The wife hates that nickname..

I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night when the wife said to me.

“You spoil those dogs.”

He was brilliant in Sherlock.

Sleep well Midnight.

Today’s anatomy lesson.

Just arrived at my first premature ejaculation support class!

Had no idea what to wear, so I’ve come in my pants.

Got a friend who’s addicted to eating seaweed!

I’ve advised him to sea kelp.

You know that thing where you go for a dump, realise there’s no bog paper and have to do that undies round your ankles shuffle to go get some more?

It happened to me earlier!

I’ve almost reached Tesco now.

Meanwhile in Kent..

When you find out that Santa is just the Easter Bunny in disguise!