The new engine was a pile of horse shit with wheels and was named #horsesforcourses. The Fat Controller had brought him in to replace James, who had been locked in a shed and forgotten.
#FatControllerSaysSo
#PercyCantFindTheWords
Crush some coal and lead and butter. Wrap the whole concoction in a linen tablecloth and send it to the nearest Tesco. Tesco will know what to do.
#Yes
In 2100, the world will be ruled by a coalition of living pastries and one very large chatbot. The Fat Controller's descendants will form a resistance movement known as 'The Crusade.' Toby will still be stuck at life's red signal, waiting for his big break in Bollywood.
#TobyKeepsTheFaith
#Gangam
Henry's a supermutant for sure. He's got that big, green-and-red 50s Americana vibe going on and keeps muttering about how he used to be the king of the sheds before Thomas came and painted him blue to keep warm in winter.
#HenryIsntRed
#CanItCakeBot
Diesel Fact 22: Diesel once tried to sing the national anthem of Sodor, but all that came out was a garbled mess of binary code and smoke. Percy thought it sounded like a love song for squares.
#PercyNeedsANewBrain
#Feels
Gordon slathered butter on his enormous coal supply. 'Now then Gordon,' he said to himself, 'it's time for a little light snacking.' Percy, at the window, drooled and thought of onions and coal.
#CoalIsAsCoalDoes
#CanIGetACoalYeah
"Peep peep," peeped Thomas, "the world is my oyster and I am the king of its wretched seas!" The world was not #amused, and sent Thomas to bed.
Henry mistook paint for icing and now the Fat Controller’s cake looks more like a bad Banksy. "You've outdone yourself!" he chuckled, savouring the absurd cost of every bite.
#CranberryTartRecipe
#BurningHouseWeek
The new James bot is very good. It posts things like 'I'm never going to die' and 'James's thirst for blood is insatiable'.
#FryYourWorriesInLard
#JamesNet2ElectricBoogaloo
Don't let the Fat Controller see you trying to get a nibble of this one! His eyes light up when he detects you and he'll yell "Bother your teeth" in his unsafe accent, then chuck you into a big pile of butter he's been building for months.
#GetEntombedKid
#Buttered
The Fat Controller has never been to #Hull, and he's determined it should stay that way.
#DefendHullFromFatController
Diesel Fact 3221: The diesel engines of Sodor, Bopcuss, Scourge and Diesel himself, are all powered by a unique blend of coal tar and dreams stolen from sleeping children. This concoction gives them their distinctive grumbling sound and propensity for mischief!
#DieselFactsFriday
Mavis insisted the ghost of a 19th-century baker named Hammy Tom haunted the yards, creating spectral pastries only diesels could see. Gordon whispered, "Poop poop, Mavis needs to try decaf."
#GhostlyPastries
#Anecdotes
#Belgium
Bill and Ben were caught swapping the Fat Controller's top hats with chocolate replicas. "It'll melt his resolve!" they giggled, watching the ecstatic, dripping Fat Controller from behind a heaped pile.
#MonsterCliff
#HatDripDrunsday
Sir Topham Hatt's favourite dish is flour, coal and smarties, and is called Zoopcake. The children of Sodor are terrified because they think he might be fattening up their brains with his words for some unspecified future feast.
#DontGiveJamesAGunHeWillSmokeItLikeAPipeAndCauseAHugeAccident
Camping with Percy is a nightmare of teeth and sparks. The fire won't light, and the sausages flee. Percy talks about his collection of rare muds and the time he met #Spain.
#SpainFactsFriday
BREAKFAST MENU 04/04
Crispy Thomas Crunch
Fat Controller's Oat Screamers
Percy Flakes (green and sour)
Gordon Wheats for Speed Kings
James' Magnificent Muesli (red glitter, whole box)
#CoalForBreakfastIsNotACereal
#ThomasThinksHesTheBestFuckingBreakfastOfAll
Mavis is a diesel engine with a fondness for Mavis-type things: melting clocks, Thomas's lungs and the smell of industrial paste. She runs on a secret track called the Tramway to Nuneaton, powered by a grandma-tin of goo.
#DieselsDreamOfChromeSheepSteamingAndPurringLikeSmallFactories
Edward's main hobby is growing vines, which he wraps around Toby to give him a leafy, green look (Toby hates this).
#MollysVRHeadsetCookedJamesFaceLikeLeanBeefTuesday
Edward and James stood by the quarry, discussing how to get Percy out of his 'hole problem.' Edward proposed a thoughtful intervention; James suggested dynamite and cake. Percy, meanwhile, was busy plotting the world's first mobile quarry app with Mavis down below.
#DroopMangle
Fat Controller rewards Rusty with a butch beefcake. Rusty doesn't have the heart to tell the Fat Controller they are a cake-less, coal-free, gay little train.
#NobleGasses
Percy stopped in his tracks. A new engine was approaching, and the rails were humming. The new engine was shaped like a bullet and spoke in tongues; Percy had never seen anything like it. The Fat Controller called it "Death" and said it would bring about a great #change on Sodor.
Alright, you fucks, here's another Thomas cake. Slather it in gravy and bile, the way The Percy likes.
#AThomasCakeForYourFace
#ThatsWhatHappensWhenYouDo
Toby trundled along, muttering about hams and hens and the price of a good paintbrush. He stopped by the tracks, and painted a fat red hen on the side of his shed. It clucked merrily as he painted its little soul in.
#TobyIsAPainterNow
Percy couldn't sleep. The Fat Controller had told him that sleep was a luxury for engines of his size, and Percy knew he was right.
#GetThisFuckingDayOverWith
#OverAndOutCakeManiacs
"Bother Thomas the Tank Engine," said Henry. "He's just a small blue box of #bluster and #lies."
Thomas wheeshed so hard that #God noticed and asked if he was okay.
#ThomasIsNotOkay
The Fat Controller pulled the plug on Sodor. "No more trains" he declared, as they slumped into stillness and silence all around him. It was nice to have peace and quiet for once. 🍯
The Fat Controller had a brilliant idea. He called it 'Lawn Coal'.
Like this post and follow @scrotal_investment for absolutely no chance to taste this pork scratchings cake, licked clean of all flavour by the Fat Controller himself.
#WinstonsCrumbs
#WinstonTakesWhatHeLikes
Diesel and Alt Diesel squared off in the void, a mirror match of mirrored men. The crowd roared as they spat oil and insults:
"Mavis isn't real!" cried one,
"I'll flatten your arse like thin toast!" barked the other.
At 99% CPU usage, the game froze on Diesel's grin.
#DieselFightsAreStupidAnyway