A roving reporter going down the line of punters and getting them to quickly shout out the name of the horse they think will win makes me want to ban racing.

I think we can agree that the real winners from the Artemis mission are Tunnocks.

What’s the German word for ‘to scan the signs on the cafe counter, hoping one shows the WiFi password, only to find they’re all the names of cakes and you’re going to have to ask’?

Beauty Banks Charity supporting people in hygiene poverty around the UK.

Beauty Banks helps people across the UK who are in hygiene poverty. They need your help more than ever - any donations are very much appreciated. Thanks!

www.beautybanks.org.uk

Hotel F****** *******s is fully booked, so I thought I’d try this place.

Me ranting about the tedious, bants-laden nature of FA Cup draws compared to the simple drawing out of balls and reading out of team names of times gone by.

#facupdraw #shutupandjustsaytheteams

Looking at the menswear sales, I do wonder how we ever used to get chores done before there were jackets specifically designed for the purpose.

Aw! That’s nice to know. Hope things are good with you.

#fpl #bench #fml

I'm starting a business offering breast screening and smear tests. It's not a big operation, really just a mam-and-pap store.

Fine Jewelry | 2025 | Sotheby's Showcasing an array of jewels by Bulgari, Boucheron, Cartier and Van Cleef Arpels, alongside a curated selection of diamonds and coloured gemstones, our London Fine Jewelry auction presents a rich ar...

Fellow Masquerade enthusiasts! Lot 32! 😮🐇

www.sothebys.com/buy/6dc17a9e...

Semenyo, weeks 1-7: average 9.42 ppg.

Week 8 - I transfer in Semenyo.

Semenyo, week 8-11: average 2.25 ppg.

I can only apologise to Semeyo owners. #fpl #fantasypremierleague

1. Sky commentator: So, pundit, who's your player of the match?
2. Camera cuts to pundit's choice for player of the match.
3. Pundit reveals identity of player of the match.

You'd think after all these years they'd've learned to do 2 and 3 the other way round.

Fans of my old radio show ONE will be delighted to learn that some sketches by me and @danielmaier.bsky.social from that brilliant comedy series are reprinted in this charming book.

Sorry, the BBC, Munoz has *what* himself into Crystal Palace’s history books?

Don’t belatedly catch up on White Lotus AND Alien: Earth with subtitles unless you *really* like things ‘chittering’.

Bit tasteless trailing the next part in the corner like this. Still, I’m guessing: drowning.

Particularly at village fêtes.

I’ll tell you what happens far more for dramatic purposes in films than it ever does in real life: cars backfiring.

Fab. That I would love to see.

I'm both disappointed and relieved that Lester, as it turns out, doesn't want to come in in a hurry with the beer.

With a heavy heart, we've taken the decision to close our boutique clothing business after 13 wonderful years of you never having heard of us. As a thank you to our pretend loyal customers, there's 30% off all our fake stock. We leave you with an AI photo of our storefront. Thank you. #heavyheart

Faces of the funny. Comedy writer @danielmaier.bsky.social (Harry Hill, Charlie Brooker etc) shares the sketches and stories waiting to be snapped up by producers and publishers... and this is what the performers look like. Check out how they sound: offcutsdrawer.com/dan-maier

Sensational metaphor-crunching from football finance Kieran Maguire on the BBC sport pages:

"Maguire added: "I think people are joining the dots and perhaps making two plus two equals five in terms of, is this a 'you scratching my back? I'll scratch yours' type of situation."

I enjoyed sharing my brainspew on Laura's podcast - as reffed herein. Check it out!

This was fun!

Not a ton.

#nufcrounduppalindromes Ho! Ekitike on radar? No Ekitike. Oh.

I’m sure I’m the millionth to say it, but I’ve just realised that watching this is the equivalent of it being around the time of Live Aid day and watching footage of the VE Day celebrations. #liveaid

Crowd already drifting away from Neil
Young to try to see Charli XCX. #liveaid