if i were a snail i’d freak the fuck out. what do you mean i’m a snail now? i was trying to get the hell out of here

*grabs grocery store intercom* EVERYTHING CARBON BASED IS ORGANIC *noises of struggle* DON'T LET BIG ORGANIC FOOL YOU!

me: *introducing date to my parents* it’s some kind of desert raisin

I’ve decided to become a concept

wow. i must be a genius

wut?

I never believed it was butter

“Ahhhhhhhh,” I sigh, sliding into a vat of acid.

Cardio exercise is important to do so you can identify what dying feels like

cuz right now you are failmaxxing. get it together and start face smashing, peptides, and meth to stay lean or you’ll always stay a low value subhuman

you get mogged so bad. zero chad energy

damn

date: i like your shirt

me: well you can’t have it

i knew you were 50

when on a first date, try to make it memorable:
•be a gentleman
•take them to a nice restaurant
•get their fingerprints on a murder weapon
•make an anonymous call to the cops

anything can be a ninja star if you like throwing stuff at people enough

facts

“i might not make it into work again, tomorrow,” i say to my cat. i can’t go. my cat is holding me hostage

ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. make them self conscious. question their motives. die unnecessarily young and smug

therapist netflix

🤝

asking if i’m still
paying attention

yeah…vintage

wow. buying vintage, huh?

Still from the television show Letterkenny showing Wayne sitting outside and speaking. Text reads "wish you weren't so fucking awkward, bud."

Me to myself after every human interaction

INVENTOR OF CLAPPING: fuck you other hand

no one cares if you wear a bunny costume on easter, but keep wearing the bunny costume days after and you're "unstable" and "resisting arrest”

Teacher: where's your homework?

Me: I, uhhh, forgot to do it

My dog [under my desk holding a gun]: good good

squish them

friend: my new car has incredible horse power

me: *also knowing about cars* mine has mild gasoline power

if someone tries to dunk me in a pool, i’m staying under. good luck with your murder charge, buddy

got a blood test, turns out I'm practically full of the stuff

doctor said it's really gross & spooky in there, almost thought they saw a skeleton