“Nothing is LAVA at LUNCHTIME”
-shit I say at work

70s Tom Waits: Sitting in a bar, sad sad, there's bad stuff, but beauty too

00s Tom Waits: GOD IS A SPIDER, COME RIDE ON MY BOAT OF TEETH

Honestly one of the better Catholic traditions to have a day every year where you tell everyone “Remember, you ain’t shit”

I know that’s right

Oh no a snowstorm better buy five of every item in the store just in case

I think it’s awesome that you shared that with me. If I was thinking that, I would probably keep it to myself

Is this not my brother’s circus? Are these not my brother’s monkeys?

Failed talking stage

It’s cool how if you push your emotions down and don’t talk about them, they eventually go away and you suffer no consequences

Got his ass

Watching a very early Shark Tank and this woman just said her product was popular with “tastemakers and trendsetters” and just very funny to notice that we did not have a particular word yet

Sharks, I’m here seeking a million dollar investment in my company “Please Dear God Don’t Make Me Go to Work Tomorrow, I Don’t Wanna”

Watching a documentary where one interviewee’s spoken Chinese is translated into English subtitles by the documentary itself but they are being covered up by Prime captions saying “(speaking in a foreign language)”

Don’t I know it

Or son

Personally still waiting to feel better and smarter and more grownup and a better daughter

When you’re reading a book at circle time and know you’re fucking killing

I could never be a film critic because I think it is unethical to see a movie before The People

Truly nothing more disheartening than trying to schedule a therapy appointment and being told “we don’t have any availability right now” Like ah, well, cool. I’ll probably be fine

A plot detail that’s good for me every time is “and also it’s really fucking hot”

They really just need to keep dropping the Predator into different time periods and scenarios. The Predator in pirate times. The Predator in feudal Japan. The Predator in Southie

They should invent a grocery store where people know what the fuck they’re doing

“Who gives a fucking shit how long a read is?”

Boss hit me with the “thanks for being so flexible!!” at the end of a tough week. Like hey no problem. I did not have a choice

Dreamblaaaaaade

Christian men’s prescription delivery service called “Hims”

I think this is the funniest thing Jesus does in the Bible. “Oh were you afraid of the storm??? Oh are you some little bitches???”