[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
DATE: That's not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT'S AN EMERGENCY

Swan Lake snow edition

There is one Caleb Hearon quote that comes to mind when I see something like this

Took these today no o’fents (Irish for offense)

I love new year eve - counting numbers, kissing smooch style, doing a yell

🎁💝

I covered the NFL for The Guardian for like... eight years? Including a stream of Super Bowls. This is 100% accurate.

BOSS: Your feminist agenda is starting to disrupt meetings

ME: *tucks tampon behind ear like a pen* How

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it and I think if chickens were trying to steal my style I’d probably say something like “I like that boom boom pow, them chickens jackin' my style”

the worst part about doing laundry is having to eat all the lint from the dryer trap, I wish there was a different way

We tried

Me, my face. A facie they could call it but they don’t

Doctor’s office has the news blaring in the waiting room, can’t wait to see how normal and good my heart rate and blood pressure are

You know how women love when men tell them to calm down right

Someone on twitter thinks I’m serious helppppp

Personally I think it’s wrong that they’re launching Katy Perry into the sun. Let her hang out on the moon until the album chatter dies down damn

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Like y’all even care..

My dad and uncle are having a complain off

From the vault where the vault is a public website I originally posted this on

You drink one sports drink and suddenly you’re kicking and throwing any sphere you see. Anyway I’m sorry about your baby’s head it’s just

report this woman for plagiarizing @caithuls.bsky.social's bit

Sometimes it’s like y’all don’t even care about using a dinosaur toy as a pillow anymore

Lollll omg

Castinged. How about that. What now

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i'm like yeah. me know

You’ve heard of cast the verb. You’ve heard of casted the made up verb. Let me introduce you to: casteded. Now we’re all mad you’re welcome

[bird watching] when's the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet