Nobody appreciates it when I show up at their house at 3 AM with a spotlight and a sign that says DEBATE ME YOU COWARD.

Your parents find out and they're made you disrupted the order.

Anyway, that's a conservative I guess 😗

Let's say your parents gave you a gift for Christmas. A really cool gaming PC. It came with a generic black shell, but the manufacturer made is so it can be modified. Your aunt gave you a gift card. So you found a rad custom shell for your PC that you can customize it with. So you do that.

Cop: you have an outstanding warrant

Me: why thank you

Wanna find heart shaped rocks and throw them at each other..affectionately.

normalize walking into the sea after the slightest inconvenience

Oh no, you are pal

People who call themselves moderate and say stuff like "one side went too far" are just conservatives with extra steps.

I'm not saying I smoke a lot of weed but my credit score is 420

INTERVIEWER: what is your greatest weakness

ME: i don’t know the technical term for pee pee

INTERVIEWER: urine

ME: great when do i start

A picture is worth a thousand words, each one more poetic and flowery than the last, devoid of any actual meaning. Actions speak louder.

Supervillain: before I kill you I will reveal my secret identity
Me: Iden-what?
Supervillain: tity
Me: Hehe
Supervillain: lol

Living rent free in my head kinda feels like fending off an invading army.

"What that mouth do?"

Butter sculptures you fool. You absolute fool

Murderer- Any last words?!

“I only use humor to mask my crippling anxiety and depression. I only make people laugh to drown out the sounds of my crying”

Murderer- ………I don’t know what to do w that

you just know some guy named geoff decided to spell it "pigeon"

I really need to stop telling lies to try and impress people. Now my date wants to see photos of me as a newborn with a full set of teeth.

i’m a cowboy on a steel horse i ride, your honor

I wonder if the brain worms feel good, like a little massage inside your head

They all sing Pardon Me I bet

referring to my male friends as my coven of incubi

An exoskeleton is not a skeleton at all, but a shell formed out of hugs and kisses. The spiders just wanna smooch.

Getting the grass’s consent before I touch it

Getting older is terrible. Your body atrophies, your memories fade, and all you get is wisdom you never really wanted.

Still better than the alternative though.

I hope the egg hatches into a cool lizard or something

That's how this works, right?

You're going to become Lady Gaga?

if you don't feel funny, go watch a bug for a little while and think about how you act

Ovulating so hard that I’d fuck somebody even after they texted “your so beautiful”