I wish I could punch in and out of my day job in the parking lot. I want to be paid for every second I’m on the property.

Im not saying that my social media has become an echo chamber but all the posts I see are about comedy, pro wrestling or drag race.

Are you sure??? I don’t think you know what you’re signing up for 🤣🤣

I just had a 7 Eleven cookie that was so good I wanted to speak to Mr. Eleven himself to thank him for the cookie.

My new favorite video of myself is from my surprise birthday roast last month, not because my jokes were good but because my wife is in front of the camera laughing the whole time and she is such a hard laugh.

I have a terrible habit of telling people the meaning of a song that’s playing and 9 times out of 10 the song is actually depressing as fuck.

I hate when a dream forces you to think introspectively first thing in the morning. Yes, I have a lot of one sided friendships and I tend to value people more than they value me but let me unpack that in therapy not at 7 am.

We can’t elect a woman president, she would start World War III

If you knew me before I turned 20 I need you to forget everything you ever knew about me.

You need to book me on your shows because I’ve reached the part of stand up withdrawal where I’m celebrating making the accounting department laugh at my day job.

I had two comedy dreams in a row last night which means I am clearly mentally ill.

I have to work on Juneteenth so I am going to be singing “We Shall Overcome” in the back of the room to make everyone uncomfortable.

I think the whaletail is coming back so if you see a thong above my pants just mind your business.

I’m half black which means my mom is white and my dad is nowhere to be found #HappyFathersDay

Every year for Fathers Day I go on a scavenger hunt. Who knows, maybe this will be the year I find him.

Someone wished me a happy birthday by saying "here's to another amazing year of life" and I don't know if I've even had one amazing year let alone another one.

My AirPods died on the train which means I have to raw dog reality right now and I hate that for me.

Does this make sense to anyone else?
Bruce Springsteen = Bruce Springsteen
John Mellencamp = Mid West Bruce Springsteen
Bryan Adams = Canadian Bruce Springsteen

I am giving today. Unfortunately the thing that I’m giving is up.

Does anyone else send an important text message and then immediately turn their phone over because you are overwhelmed?

Sometimes when I am happy I remember that Eli Manning isn't a first ballot hall of famer and then I get mad again.

Does anyone else miss when politicians would duel to the death?

Does anyone else have clothes that they wear on certain days or is that one of my undiagnosed mental illnesses? Like, I can’t wear that shirt today because it’s Thursday and that’s a Monday shirt.

I hate when friends of friends or coworkers find out I do comedy because they think I’m either one step away from being famous or that I do this as a hobby and I suck. I’m actually a secret third thing (good at performing and writing but terrible at promoting myself)

My weight loss journey was going amazing until McDonalds announced the return of the snack wrap.

Listening to Vanessa Carlton while on the treadmill is humbling. I walked two miles and I’m tired what do you mean you are gonna walk 500 times more than me???

Advice for comedians: if you’re watching your own stand up videos while on the treadmill at the gym because you consider that “multitasking” make sure you don’t accidentally open a video from the naked show you did.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m in a one sided relationship (I have to watch every TikTok my wife sends me but she doesn’t watch any of the TikTok’s I send her)

I would have been the perfect nepo baby. I wouldn’t upset anybody or try to act more talented than I am. I would just write and perform my jokes and outside of that I would shut the fuck up.

If I ever crack the code of social media it’s over for you hoes