Maybe a couple more cups of hot anxiety juice will calm me down

I take back anything nice I ever said about daylight saving time.

lose an hour? haven’t we lost enough already

GENIE: what is your wish

ME: an ice cream cone from mcdonalds

GENIE: sorry the machine is down

In that awkward period, between birth and death.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Is Capital One as empty as it looks on tv?

Currently looksminning

some of you are looksmaxxing when you need to be booksmaxxing

People who say there’s so much less drama raising boys have not raised Bears fans.

Am I even a mom if I don’t dedicate a portion of every football game to noting which players are wearing Guardian Caps & saying how proud I am of them.

DHS Releases Watchlist Of Mothers Driving Cars

DHS Releases Watchlist Of Mothers Driving Cars theonion.com/dhs-releases-watchlist-o...

finally, we're living through precedented times

Goodreads trying to do my 2025 Year in Books like there aren't four more whole entire days to go.

The tree is aglow. The kids are home for the holidays. My daughter just made fun of how I yawned.

I forgot to buy an Advent calendar, so my 13-year-old has decided to mark each day with a dramatic reading of a Minion meme.

So close

My dog’s been standing at attention by her food bowl for the last 10 min. Who has the heart to remind her dinner’s not til 4?

They should do MyChart Wrapped

This is a tiny sliver of mine. But I have no shame in my nap game!

Sometimes I'll make a big mistake and think about it for years and years then sometimes I'll make a little mistake and think about it for years and years

Kindergartener, holding up a squishy pink circle from the merch table at the school book fair: What is this?

Me: That’s a mousepad. Do you know what it’s for?

K: Hmmm…

Me: You’ve probably never—

K: Oh! It’s a bed for a mouse!

Found in the middle school library

Me! I’m the people. 😆

You can try to do everything right as a parent, but your middle schooler still might fall under the influence of kids who are into cologne.

INVENTOR OF THE LIBRARY: hey check this out

We’re visiting my mom for Thanksgiving, so she’s doing lots of special things to prepare for our trip, like sending me a link to the results of her google search “is it wrong to call someone strong-willed.”

I'm tired of being the bigger person. Just once, I want to be the smaller person, tiny enough to be carried around in someone's pocket, shouting petty retorts.

Yep, Weezer’s Blue Album. On cassette! It looked so different than anything else being sold at Media Play in Rockford, Illinois in 1994. Loved it when I was 16, still love it now.