I’ve decided I’m not sucking in my stomach today.

I just saw a shadow thrown by a cloud that was shaped like a penis, does that mean 6 more weeks of wiener?

What a coincidence, I need fixin’

My cupcakes would fix you.

“My support for the release of the Epstein documents will be entirely based on what the President tells me to do.”

-Mike Johnson

Before you sit down, make sure you can reach the remote.

Pronounces macho man like nacho man.

*brings a pizza to a knife fight*

Woke up thinking about pizza again.

I’ll share my dingdong if you share you cupcakes

A store for people over 40 called Bed, Bath and Beyond Exhausted.

Sorry I’m late, I’m exhausted.

Kiss me, I taste like cake.

*sitting on his face*

Do you want cake?

What if we made out in the snack aisle at the grocery store.

coffee so strong i need a surge protector for my central nervous system

Lmao

Goodbye Cocktober.

Hello stache and beard rides November.

What if we made out in the liquor store.

I can do hard things. I think.

im a daytime midweek bowling alley ten.

this jacket isn’t very straight at all

This is my crippling anxiety post. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

If you’ve dated more than one Walter you’re letting them Walts right into your life.

Ok we’re at the ‘looking for something and instead find a massive clue’ stage of this mystery.

In high school, I was voted most likely to die one day short of retirement

GOP wants “Newsies” again.

*brings ibuprofen to a knife fight*

Find someone who will share their muscle relaxants with you.