my black shits are none of your bismuth (it's internal bleeding)

We here at Vegans for Capitalism™️ have produced a breed of cows that consent to slaughter. First, they are taught the English language, at which point they are placed into an average American's 8-5 desk job. Within a few months,

the day before tax day should be a federal holiday

thinking about becoming deeply religious for financial reasons can any1 recommend this

how Good™️ can it be when i gotta fuuuucking work

more of a so-so Friday if you ask me

I wish I could bring my cat to the office.

Interior-design-wise I think adding soft elements to the space would increase morale and adding sharp elements would increase productivity. (workshopping my pitch to the president)

Wednesdays are the worst day of the week which is why we gotta hump on those days

April Fool me once, shame on...shame on you. April Fool me—you can't get April fooled again

April fool me once, shame on me. April fool me twice, dang, I really need to get a handle on this April's fools' thing. April fools me three times, perhaps I am the April Fool. April fool me four times? im going to hr. Aprils fools me five times? Uhh uhh April Fools! I knew all along, please stop 😎🥲

matter fact, let's stop beating the live horses too

ask not what this country can do for me? bitch I'm paying you

just swordfighting for food

i sometimes forget that narwhals are real

bisexuals are like middle management and nobody likes middle management

ELON MUSK: and what are you doing to work on these weaknesses?

im sorry i keep forgetting i know Italians

a spank bank but for times I fuckin /nail/ a social interaction

AI? How about AI'mfuckin'walkin'ere

workers literally died for 9 to 5 with some breaks and we just,...slipped into 8 to 5 with a single break for lunch

Yeah, I live for a working. Yeah, I live at my job and occasionally see my family

*spits in can* we don't take too kindly to homophobia 'round these parts

cost of gasoline in my area just went up $40/month 🥲 my electric bill last month was $40 higher than I expected it to be...I got 3 different calls from my community members for financial help due to ICE and medical bills

it's getting ugly out here, folks

too right 💂

proposing "right, they're" as a nonbinary "good boy/girl" praise kink replacement because it can also be heard as "right there", which is hot and it also sort of takes the gender out of the praise

the Trump administration keeps proposing walling Texans off from various Texas State parks and recreational areas for the purpose of building a border wall 🙄 like Texans aren't going to yippee ki yay these motherfuckers for disrespecting even a single Whataburger

Mark Zuckerberg was born in 1984 (Orwellian jumpscare)

It was released in 1984 (Orwellian jumpscare)

Revenge of the Nerds should be remade as a horror film

as a parent, you want to give your children the life you no longer have access to