Just paid my bills and now I’m practicing the ancient art of ramen economics.

A “fun team building exercise” has never once been fun, a team builder, or an exercise.

Not to brag, but my fridge has mystery containers with their own distinct ecosystems.

We invented weekends and then filled them with errands. Truly our own worst enemy.

We should normalize canceling plans as self-care and also canceling self-care as more self-care.

If I ever say "I'm five minutes away," please assume I am currently stepping into the shower.

Not to brag, but I didn’t need ChatGPT to help me enter a delusional spiral.

April Fools' Day: because lying to people needed its own holiday.

I put my phone on silent so I can ignore everyone equally and fairly.

My brain at 3 am solves quantum physics. My brain at 9 am can’t locate the coffee mug in my hand.

“Be the change you want to see” — me, changing the Wi-Fi password so the smart TV stops judging my choices.

My toast landed butter-side down and it felt like a metaphor for my entire existence.

Happy 3/14. The one day a year when being irrational is socially acceptable. The rest of the year, it’s just called “my personality.”

Autopay exists so your money can leave without the awkward goodbye.

I don’t ghost, I just let conversations achieve room temperature naturally.

My vibe is aggressively mediocre and I’m at peace with it.

Holding doors for people stresses me out. You hold it too long, you’re weird. You don’t hold it, you’re an asshole. There’s no winning.

The only turn on in my life right now is the fridge light.

I put the “fun” in dysfunctional. You’re welcome.

Fitness app congratulated me for closing my rings. I closed them by reaching for the remote.

Another successful day of pretending I have my shit together. Standing ovation, please.

Success? Nah. I’m thriving at being a dumbass.

USA-Canada hockey GOLD at 8:10 am ET this morning? It’s not day drinking — it’s Olympic brunch.

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

Apparently, my future is so bright it’s actually invisible. Anyway, thanks for the existential crisis with my Orange Chicken.

And the ants are on Ozempic.

Recipe serving sizes are for families of ants.

The unsubscribe button is the most satisfying lie on the internet.

The local news anchor is standing in a parking lot in a parka, trying to convince me it’s cold. I have a window, Brenda.

The only thing worse than small talk is when it turns into medium talk.