🎶 Like a bridge in Bridge Over Troubled Water…. I will not be there 🎶

There’s no apocalypse like a Post-apocalypse

“I’m getting old”

“What’s your point?”

Writing a gritty origin story of Sonny the cereal spokesbird called “One Flew Over the Cocoa Puffs”

Writing a play about cartoon spokespersons where the kool-aid man keeps breaking the fourth wall

I’ve heard way more whining about babies crying on airplanes than I’ve heard actual babies crying, and I have a two year old

One Battle After Another was basically just a mashup of The Big Lebowski and Taken

Most super-wealthy people sure as shit don’t know how money works at a grocery store

Still don’t see why anyone ever wanted a naan fungi-bile token

I’m assuming it’s because more and more bog demons are escaping the melting permafrost

After watching the ski mountaineering event at the Winter Olympics where speed of packing and unpacking skis was critical, I’d love to see a Summer Olympics event where it’s just setting up and taking down a family size camping tent.

Markwayne Mullin is a clearly a fake name. His real name is Samuellemens Mullin

Another morning, bows still smartly tied

Bro I only drink pure whole milk and I only drink one glass from the gallon and then dump the rest cause you’re not getting muscle build lifting anything less than a gallon out of the fridge bro.

It’s catching on!

Piano made of cats

Feels like I’ve stopped getting invites to the jam session since I got my new keyboard. Probably just a coincidence.

Me: Buy this trombone!

Customer: I don’t know how it works, and I don’t think I can afford it.

Me: Don’t worry, it’s on a sliding scale!

A man named is being interviewed in a television screen capture. The caption reads “Gerald Jankowski, One Angry Guy."

His kids disappoint him
He's pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He's

Well, that explains the smell

Which implies the existence of a chicken Idaho

This is just a normal day during Mardi Gras

There’s a thing your body does automatically, all day long, that gives your brain a micro-reset. That’s right, blinking. On my next podcast I’ll explain my method for extending a single blink over the course of multiple hours. It’s called blinkmaxxing, and you won’t believe the refresh it gives you.

Is anyone gonna talk about how he admitted they killed civilian fishermen?

Copyright pending. I’m in talks with Lin Manuel Miranda to write the songs

Woke myself up laughing cause I dreamt about a unicorn named Unity Buttfeathers

Equations (9)

Rest of the world on Friday the 13th: don’t walk under ladders!

New Orleans on Friday the 13th: we have erected a Great Wall of Ladders that you must pass under to see our greatest spectacle!

#nolasky #nolatwitter #mardigras

Ugh! Spanish at the Super Bowl halftime show? No thanks! I’m going back to MAR-A-LAGO!

Ugh I need to go in for a truck prostate exam

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