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One day, the old witch will return and lift the curse placed upon you.
Your human form will crack open and some frazzled cats will emerge, hiss at her angrily, then slink off into the darkness.

for now gentle lives in the complicated weight i keep , stubborn, honest, not smoothed over.
maybe one day i’ll meet myself whole , until then i hold these pieces with patience and quiet insistence.

I talked to myself whilst reading the reply I gathered and came with a tone of “defensive” so I accounted to it in its rawness and met with it. - Night Jenny! , Much Love x

Sleep well! , (I’m sorry if my words carried any defensiveness) , maybe some defensiveness came out due to how one perceives family. (No harm intended) , apologies if such presence appeared.

I know this shares a holding position of “hope” / not to look at presence as a threat to age/living even in definition of time gathering older. It’s just ofc different in may views for other people , due to circumstances, how one was brought up , etc etc; I’m glad u speak positive!

I’m not assuming here but you say family? For me family exists only in my mum and dad. I have a half brother but it’s different with a parent for half is not shared fully! (If that makes sense) , I don’t have anyone who would support , help or carry me with a holding if such loss carried forwards.

Both carry health issues and fragility! i worry about my mother and her legs giving way now, alongside other things and a father who still has some huge risk in his past heart surgery

We never know what the present of tomorrow or now she’ll carry , but I do hope it carries for a longer term, maybe than it would lesson because time held longer. (I duno) , my mums turning 66 in july and my father 65 in December.

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Or shell I say “REBUILD” .

I hope that for many who need the lighter side of air than the heaviness we can’t always escape from. - x

I just can’t imagine my life without my mum or dad , there the only holding I’ve ever only known.

Yet, I hold onto hope , a quiet wish for a miraculous turn of fortune, like winning the lottery, to buy a cottage for my mom and live amidst gentle waves and a world where every breath feels lighter.

My sense of greatness seems to exist solely within the embrace of my mom and dad. At the same time, I’m acutely aware that my surroundings often feel like a relentless cycle, echoing past experiences and lingering traumas.

CSA took a-lot of years from me and such else, I never really knew how it felt to be a child or teen living life as it was meant for a child to experience. Oh I’ve had my mistakes , I’m no angel , misunderstood (yes) , accountability agreed on, we all have demons.

I feel like … I don’t know how to live , I never really got the whole nurturing within being independent, I struggle with understanding, fitting in and need a-lot of reassurance from close proximity relationships. I’ve always needed another eye , vision to understand my place. (If that makes sense)

I hope to find the courage soon to pursue the things I want to do but currently feel stuck and held back by insecurity. I want to make my parents proud by accomplishing something they have always hoped for me. Right now I spend my days looking to much at the time , feeling one is running out of time

Or I to see something that gave me hope for the next generation or a hope in an afterlife.

I often imagine myself far away, amidst towering mountains and vast seas, watching flocks of birds gather, each one soaring toward the clouds as if we found a life worth living moment in our end.

Not truly for myself , perhaps alongside my mum and dad? I had hoped to discover life in my survival, yet I doubt I’ll ever truly feel what life is or understand its essence.

Much Love! , I hold hope that we become something later together , if not here but somewhere.

Amid this turmoil, there's also the guilt of feeling selfish for even considering the thought of going first, knowing full well the pain of loss through suicide and the weight of grief that follows. It's like flipping a coin where no matter how it lands, both sides reveal outcomes you dread.

You find yourself caught in an intensely conflicting position within your own mind. You fear the thought of this reality ever coming to pass, yet you know that with time, you'll fade at the same pace as it. Survival would no longer be a given. How does one navigate life without them?

It’s crazy because I’ve been planning my own funeral silently (CMHT do know) but because it’s not “Right now” such risk is limited, I’ve been saving to what I can and putting that number of age into it .. like a countdown of when I need to end everything before it carries a risk.

Or As I always say “I go before them”

I don’t think I’m here for that long, I’ve shared with my CMHT and others that , just like my child self always said “I wouldn’t be here for v long”. I’d die if they died.

I survive for my loved ones then rarely surviving for myself. - They hold that “worth” .. without it I’d crumble!