Hoping they don’t close the Strait of Hormel. I need my Spam.

*caveman discovers weed*
*caveman invents fire*
*stone age begins*

Did you know that therapy takes more than one appointment? Just found out and i am LIVID

Getting drunk last night was a super wise choice, great work cricket 😐

I just took you all to the bathroom with me
How rude
I apologize

Should be one bank for everything. Checking, savings, loans, blood, sperm, spank all under one roof

Uffda indeed

Time to dye my roots so no one can tell I’m not a natural magenta

It’s 3 minutes past jizznight.

Not interested in getting a hobby other than gazing into the middle distance for a while.

Imagine driving a luxury vehicle but sending your kids to public school.

Vibing is just me quietly drinking my morning coffee

Plot twist: rats and spiders are repulsed by us

All my hopes are high.

Tuesday.

That’s it.

I did it, I fucked myself silly, take that liberal!

rearranging the hideaway in my mind to make room for more floor cushions and cheese snacks

Who knew that not owning any Apple products would be a disqualifier for being the CEO of Apple?

Can the power of love get you out of murder charges? Just.. wondering.

We're not allowed to talk about Willy Wonka's later years when he fashioned a guillotine from butter brickle.

I bought a Ninja Creami on Friday and I’ve already eaten three pints of ice cream since. At this point I’m not sure if I own it or if it owns me.

If I could I'd make you mine But you aren't So I'll write you here Crow

willy wonka is actually the nickname they gave him after his first gym class

Instead of saying I have to poop, I say I’m starting a movement.

As much as I love ducks, watching the deplorable mating behaviour of mallards really has me considering putting the males on the menu.

Love is…a pulled pork baked potato

Emotionally out of spoons.

its time for gen z to get really into death becomes her

you know what they say, where there’s smoke, there’s probably a stoner getting high

My dental hygienist and I were talking today about the sharp rise she's (anecdotally) seen in grinding/clenching over the last five or so years. Maybe that would be a telling metric to track, how many of us are cribbing like horses on a fencepost, alongside the economic numbers.