I did it, I fucked myself silly, take that liberal!

rearranging the hideaway in my mind to make room for more floor cushions and cheese snacks

Who knew that not owning any Apple products would be a disqualifier for being the CEO of Apple?

Can the power of love get you out of murder charges? Just.. wondering.

We're not allowed to talk about Willy Wonka's later years when he fashioned a guillotine from butter brickle.

I bought a Ninja Creami on Friday and I’ve already eaten three pints of ice cream since. At this point I’m not sure if I own it or if it owns me.

If I could I'd make you mine But you aren't So I'll write you here Crow

willy wonka is actually the nickname they gave him after his first gym class

Instead of saying I have to poop, I say I’m starting a movement.

As much as I love ducks, watching the deplorable mating behaviour of mallards really has me considering putting the males on the menu.

Love is…a pulled pork baked potato

Emotionally out of spoons.

its time for gen z to get really into death becomes her

you know what they say, where there’s smoke, there’s probably a stoner getting high

My dental hygienist and I were talking today about the sharp rise she's (anecdotally) seen in grinding/clenching over the last five or so years. Maybe that would be a telling metric to track, how many of us are cribbing like horses on a fencepost, alongside the economic numbers.

Two Mourning Doves at a bird feeder with a built-in camera. One dove is in profile, very close to the camera, and appears to be looking at it, and the other dove is further back, but also looks like it’s staring straight into the lens.

These two Mourning Doves at my feeder cam look like they just rang my doorbell because Tony Soprano sent them to collect a debt I owe.

Side note.

You are all beautiful ❤️🌯

Maybe I’ll just walk into the woods and never look back.

The trees have good wifi right?

the two wolves inside me are celebrating 4/20 and i'm getting a contact high

not every woman could pull off having this amount of earwax

Why is ham the only thing that gets honey glazed around here?

if wienerschnitzel say pastrami is back then futurerami is forward

That’s gonna leave a question mark.

Wanna find heart shaped rocks and throw them at each other..affectionately.

Yes, one must assess if it’s your time to receive a gift. Otherwise … leave it the fuck alone, yes? lol

it’s called “being cheeky” because you’re being a bit of an ass

(puts a band-aid on your post) I hope it gets better soon

I hate when you have your heart set on something insanely simple, in my case a lovely grilled cheese sandwich, but unbeknownst to me some thoughtless motherfucker left the package of cheese WITHOUT any cheese in it in the cheese drawer.

This is the cheese that broke the camel's back, folks.

KFC sign saying 420 special, let us pack you a bowl

The Colonel knows...