[nervous about meeting a famous Soviet cosmonaut for the first time]

So, is there a...Yaoi Gagarin?

Every shitty bar has a female bartender who is astonishingly good at chalk art and I will not be taking questions at this time

Despite normally seeing next to zero pro wrestling content on TikTok, outside of some classic '90s stuff here and there, I woke up today and my FYP is just 80%...Danhausen? I'm not upset. He seems whimsical

If you'd have told me in the '90s when I first started getting into shooters that Fortnite was gonna be a thing that was like this I'd have called you out on some serious "my dad works at Nintendo" ass bullshit

Looking at the screen while you restart a T-Mobile phone:

Love the Mega Max X series because they only made it to the second game before they started scraping the bottom of the barrel for animals and went, "Uhhhh, sea cucumber with lighting powers?"

They both found it funny. And it's definitely memorable

The running joke at my friends' wedding that I officiated yesterday was that the bride requested a cake with "pink flowers and swirls" and this is what she got (yes the bakery fully refunded everything)

Wedding Officiant Update: Everyone said I was fun and did a great job. Also speedran that entire ceremony in like ten minutes. Thinking of submitting that run to @gamesdonequick.com

Officiating a wedding for the first time in half an hour! I'm so beyond nervous. Wish me luck, friends!

Friend: "What's your favorite needle drop in a movie?"

Me: "Probably the adrenaline shot scene in Pulp Fiction"

Friend: "Why are you like this?"

They should make a video game based on this new Street Fighter movie like they did with the first one just as a bit

It is my birthday. Lavish me with praise and adoration for washing my hair

A Midwestern propaganda campaign is called a psy ope

After watching the trailer, I've convinced myself there will totally be an unmistakable EVO Moment 37 reference in the Street Fighter movie

I've been playing too much Deadlock and now I wanna know who would win in a fight between the Scarlet King and the Hidden King. That's right, baby, we're powerscaling unknowable, eldritch, cosmic entities now 😂

If I had a nickel for every television series that's a hyper violent satire of superhero media that's actively airing new episodes with a current plot line focused on a virus that's specifically near 100% lethal to specific superheroes, I'd have two nickels...

Actually, it's the band as a whole that's called Jamiroquai. The singer is Jamiroquai's Monster

Society started going downhill when dudes quit editing together montage videos of Vegeta kicking ass to Linkin Park. What the fuck happened to culture?

Me: "I wanna talk about inflation"

Friend: "Oh, I didn't know you were interested in economics"

Me: "Economics?" *closes rule34 site*

My TikTok fyp has suddenly become very focused on Chicago lately and all the comments are just exclusively people arguing about hot dogs

I just made myself a steak, I have a surprise day off tomorrow, it's warm enough out that I don't need a hoodie to smoke even at 3am. Man, if my brain made the right chemicals I'd be a fucking Super Saiyan right now

"I've got a bone to pick with the first last call and the rising sun" is, unfortunately, the most relatable lyrics any band has ever put to page

Sexual orientation is actually pretty simple to understand. Gay is when you have a favorite Yeah Yeah Yeahs song. Straight is when you have a favorite Yeah Yeah Yeahs dubstep remix

"Hello, local radio station? I'd like to request a song by Regular Guy Posse"

Me: "Nothing too wild this weekend. Just a few casual beers with the guys"

The Guys:

"Into your spirit I commit my hands"
-Me, fisting a ghost

Critter Vision on the TV in a bar called the Raccoon Motel. Channeling big @skybilz.bsky.social energy right now

Pizza Places: "Before you order your pizzas, would you first like to order a cheese pizza to start with?"

Me: "What? No. That's insane"

Pizza Places: "What if we remove all the sauce and put a little bit of it into one impossibly small cup?"

Me: "Oh, yes please 🙂"

Her: "Do you have protection?"

Me: