i should just do it… i need to. i really do.

four fucking years of rotting in bed, doing absolutely NOTHING with my life because the “proper” avenues REFUSE TO HELP ME!

i might do it, but make it seem like an accident? idk… i don’t want my family to feel bad. i’m just TIRED. april marks FOUR YEARS!
since i had to move back home, i’ve been trying to get proper treatment & disability benefits. i got A (a as in SINGULAR) diagnosis, but no pain relief nor benefits…

without my meds, i’m in so much pain…
i needed “distraction” pain. i’m sorry.

hey siri? play “oops i did it again” by britney spears

sh-ing provides so much relief (which i know is fucked up…)
it gives me a different type of pain compared to my daily, chronic pain. it’s a great distraction.

i’m so TIRED of living. living in constant pain: both physically & emotionally/mentally.
if god exist? take me, do it. he won’t! because taking me out is the humane thing to do. and i was born to suffer…

“don’t drink! it’s so harmful!”
what the fuck else am i supposed to do?
i GENUINELY tried everything else for my back (outside of *real* pain meds because no doctors will prescribe that), my spine surgery was DENIED by insurance last minute, i *still* haven’t been approved for disability, etc.

i genuinely hope my heart randomly gives out one day (most likely due to alcoholism)

please just take me in my sleep.
i beg not to wake up.

again… i’m SO proud of my sister! she deserves all of her success! but at the same time… i fucking hate myself; more specifically my body.
*i* was supposed to be the singer on stages, & i used to be! but then, boom: my body said no… not anymore! now all i do is rot in bed & be jealous of my sister…

*I* am the older sister, *I* had a focus in PERFORMANCE! *I* was the “singer,” she was the “instrumentalist.” plus, my younger sister got her degree in music education, not performance.
she started this band “for fun” & now, she has LEGIT fans that drive hundreds of miles to see her band perform…

but no! my body gave up… 😀🔫
i BARELY graduated college (w/ a fucking music degree; focus in vocal performance), but i had to IMMEDIATELY move back home because something was VERY wrong with my body…
i’m diagnosed now, so i know i didn’t “give up” for no reason. but i still hate myself for failing…

let’s get one thing straight: i’m SO proud of my sister. she deserves all her success.
at the same time… every time i see her perform (she’s the front runner of the band: main vocals, trumpet, & even fucking french horn) i get so sad & jealous… i was supposed to be the first sister singing on stage.

me: “are you coming to my party on saturday?”
(a get-together that YOU helped me plan… in which you decided/picked the ‘main event’ for the night, because you thought *that* particular idea would be the most fun. & you’ve been my bff for 10+ years, so i value your input)

them: “maybe”

oh! okay! 😀

i wanna bash my head against the wall!!! 😀

i hate being alive & trapped in this body

i wanna $h SO BADLY

i’m gonna be real for a second…
if i don’t get this surgery? i’ll become a member of the 27 club. i won’t make it to 28.
i’m so exhausted; mentally & physically… i’m done.

I NEED A GUN!!!!!!!

wish i could just “call it”

these withdrawals make me feel insane

i wanna bash my head against the wall

these withdrawals are BAD.
like i genuinely wanna km$ or at LEAST $h…
i’m clenching my jaw SO HARD to NOT!
i know these are withdrawal symptoms / side effects, but HOLY SHIT… this is BAD bad. ya know?

wouldn’t it be a little funny if i km$ right now?
i won’t. but it WOULD be a lil funny!

me & the friend spending night *apparently* made a pact back in high school that we “wouldn’t” til we’re 30 y/o. but as of today… we’re both 27! why not join the club now!!!

(i won’t… i’m a coward thankfully)

i’m gonna set up my new shower chair & if i’m still drunk enough? i’ll shower (including washing my hair!). wish me luck! ❤️

uh oh! i’m drunk… should i attempt to shower?
i can’t remember the last time i showered…
but i think it was about a month ago?
i know FOR SURE i showered for my gyno appointment (in dec). but i don’t think i’ve washed my hair since my birthday (in nov)?
i think i’m drunk enough to attempt to shower!

yeah… idk if i can watch “heated rivalry” because after finishing episode two? i’m just extremely annoyed & getting more pissed off at men as a whole… (yes, i know it’s a fictional show)
also, i don’t want to create more facial wrinkles from constantly making an angry/annoyed face LOL

i have emetophobia, but torturing cis-men? i’m in.

any cis-man i meet / encounter from now
on should be forced to chug malört until they throw up (as a form of torture)