Hey Google cut my hair I’ve asked you twice now you useless PoS.

I'm supposed to get married this year but look around. How can I bring a wife into this world

don’t forget to destroy your clocks tonight, walk away from your mortgage, just start driving, you’re free

a good thing is when someone posts a picture of a cat, and then people reply with "great cat, here also is a picture of my cat." unsolicited cat pics aplenty. this could be the world we build

Yeah, I see the problem: your dungeon is filled with monsters and traps. If you want to attract a woman you need to throw some puzzles in there.

neolithic guys get pissed if you tell them their cultures are organized by the type of pots and jewelry they made. "we called ourselves the blood hunters" "we conquered villages far beyond this horizon" sorry bud you're the western linear pottery culture now

Seems unfair that you only get to use the bouncy slide to get off a plane when things have gone wrong. The bouncy slide should be a treat they give to the best passengers who did the flight correctly.

My husband was on the 2 train and a guy started braying about how Renee Good deserved to die and her "lesbian lover" did too. My husband got pissed and said, "You're absolutely disgusting." "Fuck you!" the guy said. "Fuck YOU!" my husband said. The guy left.

See? We just need to talk to each other.

Not to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 23 people worldwide. 😎

If I had a Time Machine I’d probably travel forward to a few moments before my death and then just die.

Amber Glenn wearing her gold medal after winning the US National Championship Women’s Singles Competition. She is dressed in a black short sequined gown and proudly holding a progress pride flag behind her. There is a gaggle of photographers in front of her.

Things are grim right now but as a reminder of who we are and why we fight, this is the US Women’s figuring skating champion.

Am I supposed to pray over leftovers?
Me: "Lord, it's me again with the spaghetti..."

Having a family meeting today to address the quality of dog reels being shared - you don’t have to send everything have some standards

Is everyone else getting targeted ads for boxer briefs with built-in piss pads???

Okay, fine. I’ll stop talking about my tits online and get dressed to go to Costco.

Could France or some other country just start blowing up billionaires' yachts because they almost assuredly have drugs on them?

Whenever a thin friend says they’re so fat I agree with them and then look for a new friend

Time to get up, guys - it’s fuck this shit o’clock.

What we need are more ugly electric cars made by wankers.

Forgive yourself. Then eat three bananas. Regret is useless. Potassium isn't.

Democracy, but without billionaires and idiots.

Wife: “What are you thinking?”

Me: (the words ‘fuck this shit’ on a constant loop in my head) “Just thinking we should go out and enjoy this lovely weather”

going to go be absorbed by the earth, anybody need anything?

Don’t forget to leave room for Jesus in your orgy this holy weekend.

"Trans people have always existed"

That's simply not possible because people haven't always existed. There was a time before people, and so therefore, there was a time before trans people.

And in that time, there were trans dinosaurs.

Graphic that says trans rights, motherfucker

You can’t have your cake and eat it too (I ate your cake)

Fall in love? No thanks, I’d rather fall to my death

Hey. America. Are there only standing tickets left for this shit show?

A low roadsign on a kerb in Norfolk, announcing "Prince Andrew's Close"

Warn the girls