No one ever made a good case for making my bed in the morning.
Why.
I'm just going to undo all of it in like 30 minutes.

False. The source of my humor is autism.

If someone's so vague in their signals that you're trying to read them thru your daily love horoscope, run.

Related: if your flirtationship is reading daily horoscopes to figure out how to talk to you, also run.

Wyd

I'm not fixing the typo.
It makes me giggle.
3/2

You typed all of that out instead of feeding her? Wow. I'm calling cps.

And the next week I got fired for eating samples of banana but bread.
Moral of the story, steal. If you're gonna go down for theft, make sure it isn't on an empty stomach. 2/2

Haven't forgotten to confess my war crimes, just got distracted.
But just to give you guys something to hold you over, when I worked for a very popular coffee franchise, I started to sneak a sandwich out of the freezer, only to put it back because of guilt.
1/2

This isn't sexual btw.

Unrelated.
If you weren't into it, would you consider maybe doing it to me? It's been a while since I've felt the touch of a fork that wasn't my own.

It's me, I'm the friend.

Hypothetically, and this is open to everyone, how many times would it take of me stroking your face with this finger fork for you to kick me out of your house?
Asking for a friend.

I once begged my babysitter to give me some of what she was eating and I hated it so I threw it behind the washer and for the next 3 weeks the dog went crazy and wouldn't stop barking at it.

When I was 13 I stopped believing in Santa, I know it's a bit late but listen.

I'm gullible.

The hardest part was actually talking my Dad down because he was way more upset about it than I was and that was the 2nd of only 3 times I ever saw him cry.

The hardest thing for me to wrap my autistic brain around as a kid was that sensible underwear ≠ bathing suit level of socially acceptable coverage. To be honest I still don't get it, I've just been placating neurotypicals this entire time.
#autism

Don't worry about the numbers, I certainly didn't.

Personally I thought this was genius. I was super proud of myself.
You can imagine my confusion when they ended up calling my foster parents and scolding me for indecent exposure (again).
3/3

It didn't occur to me that the problem was that I was bringing unwanted outside stuff inside, just that I was putting them in my pockets so I decided I'd take my shirt off and rig up make shift goblin pouch.
2/2

When I was 4 I kept getting into trouble at daycare because I wouldn't stop putting rocks, acorns, and rollie pollies in my pockets and when the told me they were going to call my foster parents next time it happened I thought ok rock ≠ pockets.
1/2

Oh the irony. (?)

It's gotta be more than at least 3

Same. If I die young bury me in resin, lay me down on a bed of pickle.
-The Band Perry, probably

It's a human casket made of Jade

I thought this was pickles