Oh! To be a tiny brunette woman who has never heard of meta glasses 🥹

Someone on this podcast mentioned Meta glasses and Jenny Slate asked “is that real? ‘Meta’ glasses?” and I’ve never been so jealous of a person

well well well looks like my demented run-on sentences that could only be the product of a still-plastic mind being exposed to a toxic combo of classical Latin literature and peak blog-era internet writing are suddenly worth something*

*could never be mistaken for AI

The Pitt 2.08 is just escapist fantasy for millennials and Gen X. What if one day at my job it mattered that I could remember how carbon copies work and what the sound of dialup is?

Hear me out I’ve got a free idea that will make no businesses any money: grocery stores should sell 75 cents worth of strawberries for single women who want to go eat 1 (one) Greek yogurt and will forget about their produce after that

It simply cannot be

Calling an uber: boring, unethical, you’re a victim of private equity

Hailing a cab: elegant, glamorous, classic New York

the key to solo week off is treats

Challenge accepted

No because why did they do discount challengers soundtrack?

Imagine you’re a nice girlboss in the 90s and your kid is trying to tell you that your horrible ex husband is Santa Claus now

A key to it being good is that it is NOT on Scott’s side it knows Scott sucks

Ok hear me out The Santa Clause holds up and has an absolutely tremendous score

I actually am with Rian here Protestantism is simply never going to have what Catholicism has, aesthetically

I need so many burritos that’s the real pink tax

I should get a stipend from the government to cover the takeout I have to order in the week leading up to my period

What is pudgy doing here and also where have you been

“Sure the sex trafficking was bad but we all thought it sounded a little cool, right? Guys?”

I cannot handle one more “I thought this gang of misogynists and pedophiles would be cool? But actually they’re loser freaks?” piece by a male journalist I’m gonna scream.

Hmm I see it’s going to be an even worse week than usual to be a woman while reading the news

Me walking down the street: god I won’t be warm again until April

Me getting on the subway in my 5 layers: ah

Every day I get on a train and two 105 lb women are taking up a three seat section what will mayor zohran do to address this

Literally do whatever you want but I think the fake-sheer tights with the skin colored layer underneath are the least chic thing ever conceived

“Your neck will give away your age” yeah you know what else will? Me, constantly, talking out loud about it.

One night is such a weird amount of time to be out of town. Like ok nothing in my fridge will go bad but I will need ALL my stuff.

Babe no. I’m free.

Me: I cancelled all my streaming services! I feel so free!
Person: but have you seen [new season of streaming show]

And if I’m wearing Marie Antoinette’s diadem at my wedding? What then?

You get it

Maybe I’ve stayed single this long because I was saving myself for whoever heisted the louvre did you ever think of that?